Meet the Parents
by She's a Star
Summary: The summer after seventh year, Lily takes James home to meet her parents. Nothing could go wrong, right? Well...not necessarily. COMPLETED.
1. A Siriusly Bad Start

Meet The Parents

  
  


by She's a Star

  
  


Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to the brilliant J.K. Rowling :)

  
  


A/N: The idea for this fic just came to me, so naturally, I *had* to write it. I'm already working on like 5 other chapter fics, so it's probably not wise, but I just couldn't resist! Please review after reading, it'd make my day so much better :)

  
  


Chapter One: A Siriusly Bad Start

  
  


"Lil, are you SURE your parents are going to like me?" eighteen year old James Potter asked his girlfriend, Lily Evans, as he nervously ran a hand through his messy black hair.

Lily laughed and pecked him on the cheek. "Sure...what's not to like?"

"Well...I dunno...it's just...I've never been around Muggles before, and I don't really know how to act around them, and I-"

"I can't believe it," Lily interrupted, grinning slyly. "James Potter is nervous."

"There's a first time for everything," James replied grimly. "Lil, they're not gonna like me-"

"James!" Lily barked.

"What?"

"Sweetie, in the nicest way possible, shut up and stop worrying."

"All right," James said, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes before plunging through Platform Nine and Three Quarters. When he opened his eyes again, he was standing in King's Cross Station, accompanied only by Lily's cat, Raven, who had taken a liking to him back in their first year and had insisted on sitting on his trolley.

Lily appeared by his side a second later, her green eyes sparkling happily at the prospect of seeing her family again.

"D'you see them?" James asked.

"Um..." Lily's eyes scanned the crowd, and she shrieked with delight after a few moments. "There they are!" She grabbed James's hand and ran over to her parents, leaving their trolleys and Raven forgotten.

"Mum! Dad!" she exclaimed joyfully, throwing her arms around both of her parents. James stood awkwardly behind her, eyeing a blonde, bony girl with a pout on her face.

Petunia, James decided immediately.

"Lily!" Mr. Evans, who had Lily's brilliant green eyes, though they were covered by wire-rimmed glasses, exclaimed. "How are you, darling?"

"Great, Daddy," Lily said happily.

James studied 'Daddy' intently and was relieved to find that he looked rather scrawny, and was at least a head taller than James. At least Mr. Evans couldn't cause him any bodily harm...

Unless he had a gun.

STOP IT! James screamed inwardly at himself. 

"We missed you so much, sweetheart!" Mrs. Evans added, wrapping an arm around her daughter.

"I missed you too," Lily replied happily. 

James felt Mr. Evans's eyes land on him.

"Who is this?" he asked, smiling warmly at James.

Oh God, James thought, panicked, He wants to kill me...he hates me...I know it!

"Daddy, this is James, my boyfriend!" Lily said. "You knew he was coming..."

"Ah, yes!" Mr. Evans grinned broadly. "James! How are you, son?"

"Fine," James squeaked, sounding like some demented sort of mouse.

Oh, good job, James, he thought dryly.

"It's so nice to finally meet you," Mrs. Evans said warmly.

"You too," James said nervously. Lily smiled at him and took his hand. 

"Petunia, say hello," Mr. Evans said in a low voice. Petunia just rolled her eyes and stepped away from them a few feet. Mr. and Mrs. Evans exchanged exasperated looks.

"Petunia-"

"Hello, there, ladies and gents!" a cheerful voice with more than a hint of mischievousness greeted them. James didn't even have to turn around.

Sirius, he thought with a groan.

As if things weren't going badly enough already.

"Hey Sirius," Lily said, smiling at him.

"And who is this?" Mr. Evans asked.

"It's-"

Sirius cut Lily off. 

"Sirius I-Don't-Have-A-Middle-Name-Because-Apparently-My-Parents-Didn't-Care-Enough-To-Give-Me-One Black at your service," he said with a grin. "Future best man at your daughter and Jamesie's wedding!"

Mrs. Evans gasped, and Mr. Evans put his hand to his heart.

"Oh, great Sirius," James snarled to his best friend. "Now you've done it-you gave her dad a heart attack!"

"Whoopsies," Sirius said meekly.

"Wedding...?" Mrs. Evans asked fearfully.

"Don't you think you're a bit young?" Mr. Evans added after regaining the ability of coherent speech.

"Mum, Dad, he's been saying that since first year," Lily said hurriedly.

"WHAT?" Mrs. Evans asked. "You've been planning a wedding since you were ELEVEN?"

"NO!" Lily exclaimed. "He's kidding, Mum."

"Oh, all right," Mrs. Evans said, relaxing visibly. 

Mr. Evans, however, was still eyeing Sirius in suspicion.

"HE's not staying with us, too, is he?" Mr. Evans asked nervously, looking in Sirius in a manner that suggested he thought him to be some sort of criminal.

A very dangerous, mentally unstable criminal.

"Alas, I won't be there to supervise these two animals," Sirius said, giving Lily and James an over-exaggerated look of disgust.

The couple exchanged a look of panic, and James resisted the urge to perform of the Forbidden Curses on Sirius-WHY was he trying to destroy this?

Well, James answered himself. Because he's Sirius.

"A few words of advice before I leave," Sirius continued in a way-too-informative tone.

Lily and James both winced.

"Have a chaperone with them at all times," Sirius ticked his 'advice' off on his fingers as he spoke. "Do NOT leave them in any rooms together alone, and most importantly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go into a room if you hear Lily scream, 'James, you TIGER!' from inside of it...instead, evacuate the house as soon as humanely possible."

Mr. and Mrs. Evans stood unmoving as though frozen, their faces sporting equal looks of horror.

"I'm Sirius Black, ladies and gentlemen, and with those helpful tips, please have a safe and happy summer."

And with that, he turned around with flourish and left.

A sort of low growl escaped Mr. Evans's throat, and James looked up at him meekly. Lily's father suddenly seemed about three feet taller than James had originally taken him to be.

James gulped and attempted to utter one word, but all that came out was a squeak.

"Help."

  
  



	2. Could Things Get Any Worse?

Disclaimer: THEM? Belong to ME? *siiigh* Yeah right. It's all J.K. Rowling's. 

  
  


A/N: Thanks a zillion to Lana Potter, Sineadlove, Twix, Cat, PepsiAngel, QuizzicalSphinx, Alex, Steph, Caspian58, Kaylin, Orpheliac, The Hermione Granger Fan Club, and Rachel...you guys are all the best! I'm glad you thought the last chapter was so funny, and I hope you all enjoy this one just as much! Keep reading and reviewing, you awesome peoples :) 

  
  


Chapter Two: Could Things Get Any Worse?

  
  


Lily eyed James nervously as they drove towards the Evans home...he was looking rather green. She'd had no idea that her own father could have that effect on anyone-he wouldn't hurt a fly!

She looked over at her father, who sat next to her in the driver's seat. He'd insisted upon having Lily sit next to him so she could tell him about the school year. James, who was sitting next to Petunia, looked as though he were about to either throw up or pass out. Petunia, in turn, was eyeing him with an expression that mixed suspicion and pure terror.

Probably convinced he'll hex her at the first given opportunity, Lily thought dryly.

"So, honey, glad to be back?" Mr. Evans asked as an attempt to start up conversation.

"Yeah," Lily said, turning around after giving James a reassuring smile. "It's nice."

"And James," Mr. Evans continued, his voice adapting a gruff tone. He reminded Lily of a poodle trying to act ferocious.

And not succeeding well.

But it seemed to have an effect on James...Lily observed in the rearview mirror that his skin turned even greener.

Mr. Evans continued, "I hope you'll enjoy the visit. Don't do anything I'll have to kill you for."

Her father added an unconvincing laugh, and James, who looked absolutely terrified, opened his mouth to reply.

However, his breakfast came out (all over Petunia, no less) instead of words.

Petunia immediately began to scream at the top of her lungs in disgust while Mr. Evans cursed about ruining the new family car. Meanwhile, Mrs. Evans was looking how Lily felt-a bit on the green side, herself, and they both rushed to roll down their car windows.

Mr. Evans had turned around, torn between yelling at James and trying to console Petunia, seeing as he was the only one who had the tiniest bit of a shot at calming her down when she had her little fits.

James, who looked as though he wouldn't mind dropping dead then and there, muttered, "Sorry..."

"Oh, sweetie, are you okay?" Lily asked, focusing intently on his forehead so she wouldn't have to see the cornflakes he'd eaten for breakfast.

"Yeah," James said, then put a hand to his ear as Petunia let out an unnaturally loud, shrill scream. Mr. Evans had now forgotten about the fact he was driving, and was instead trying desperately to calm down her hysterical sister.

"Daddy," Lily said weakly. "Maybe you should watch the road-"

"Not right now, Lily!" Mr. Evans snapped, not taking his eyes off of Petunia.

"But Daddy-"

CRASH.

Everyone in the car joined Petunia in her little screeching fest as the car slammed headfirst into a speed limit sign.

~*~

  
  


"That was my fault, wasn't it?" James whispered miserably to Lily as they carried their suitcases into the Evans house. He could still vaguely hear Petunia whimpering from the bathroom, where she'd run full-speed to get into the shower.

"Listen, James, stop worrying," Lily said softly. "It's all right, the police didn't stop us or anything, and it was just a little scratch on the front of the car-"

"Your father was CRYING," James interrupted. 

"Okay, so it was a big scratch," Lily said with a shrug. 

"Try a DENT," James said dryly.

"Okay, a dent," Lily sounded a bit annoyed. Normally, James knew better than to get her annoyed, but it wouldn't really matter now-everything was going so awfully already...why not get his girlfriend mad at him too? "But it wasn't your fault, Daddy wasn't watching where he was driving-"

"Oh, so my need to show off my half-way digested breakfast had absolutely nothing to do with it?" James snapped as he studied the Evans' home. It was nice...much smaller than his own, which he supposed could be classified as a mansion. But he didn't like his house much...it was too big and empty-feeling. The Evans's house, on the other hand, projected a cozy, comfortable feeling.

"Okay, it was your fault," Lily finally lost it...James had seen it coming. "It was totally, completely, one hundred percent your fault! There, happy?"

"Not particularly," James replied, giving her a teasing smile.

Lily elbowed him lightly in the stomach. "Oh, shut up."

"I-"

He was cut off by a very distraught looking Mr. Evans, who stumbled into the house and past them, then up the stairs. Mrs. Evans, who had entered with her husband, was staring worriedly at him until he disappeared from sight. She then fixed a smile on her face that was, without a doubt, fake, and said, "Well, James, I hope you enjoy your stay here...maybe you should rest if you're not feeling well."

"I'm feeling better now, thanks," James said, then congratulated himself on stringing together a sentence. Sure, it wasn't brilliant, but it made sense, and that counted for something, right?

"Well, I'll show you to your room," Mrs. Evans said. Her unnaturally bright smile was beginning to get a bit frightening...

"Okay," James agreed weakly. Mrs. Evans led him upstairs, and James studied the pictures on the walls as he trailed behind her. There were many of Lily and Petunia, and in all of them Lily wore a happy smile while Petunia pouted. James couldn't help smiling, and he wondered briefly if he'd ever have any mini-Lilys...

What are you doing? He asked himself after a minute. Thinking about the future? Sirius would be laughing his head off right now. And probably asking to be the best man at our wedding. Again.

"Here it is," Mrs. Evans announced, swinging open a door to reveal the guest bedroom. It was a fair size, but very...white. The walls, the bedspread, the curtains, the carpet-all a blinding shade of white. James squinted, trying to prevent the headache that would undoubtedly result from staying in this room too long.

"Sorry it's so bright," Mrs. Evans apologized. "My brother, Michael, stayed with us for a while...he's a bit eccentric-always wore sunglasses, even inside, so we decided to keep his room bright."

"Oh," James said weakly, not able to come up with anything more intelligent.

"Well," Mrs. Evans said, her ultra-bright smile (which matched quite nicely with the room) returning. "Why don't you just get yourself settled in?"

"All right," James agreed.

"Good bye for now, dear," Mrs. Evans said, still grinning broadly as she turned around and left, shutting the door behind her.

"Bye," James echoed weakly. He unzipped his suitcase and began to shove his clothes randomly into different drawers. Laughing to himself, he thought about how horrified Lily would be if she saw his method of unpacking-she was by far the biggest neat-freak he knew.

And naturally, he loved her for it.

"Speak of the devil," he muttered to himself as the door swung open to reveal his girlfriend.

"Hey you," she greeted him, walking over to the bed and taking a seat.

"Hey you," James echoed, planting a kiss on her cheek. 

She studied the opened dresser drawers for a second, then groaned in disgust.

"HONESTLY, James, is it so difficult to unpack NEATLY?" Lily asked in exasperation.

"HONESTLY, Lily, is it SO hard to accept the fact that some people might have a different definition of 'neatly'?" James asked, doing a frighteningly accurate impression of her.

"Oh, shut up," she said laughingly, taking one of the pillows from the head of the bed and hugging it.

"I-"

James was interrupted by a horrified screech coming from downstairs.

"Petunia," Lily immediately concluded as she grabbed James's hand and rushed out of the room and down into the living room, where the shrieks were coming from.

James couldn't help but laugh at the sight-Petunia was standing in only a towel in the living room, screaming at the three figures that had just emerged from the fireplace.

"Where's Jamesie?" an all-too-familiar voice asked.

"He'd better be grateful," another voice added. "I hate traveling by floo powder."

"Oh Ja-ames?" a third voice added.

"Oh no," James muttered under his breath.

It was THEM.

The Marauders were at the Evans house.

  
  
  
  



	3. James, You Tiger!

A/N: This chapter's for Crystal, who absolutely adores this story for some reason and was dying for me to get the next chapter up. So I wrote it, and in under 20 minutes, no less :) I hope you enjoy it!!!

  
  
  
  


Chapter Three: James, You Tiger!

  
  


"What are you doing here?" James asked in a deadly whisper as Petunia ran, screaming and scantily clad, from the room.

"We came to help you buddy!" Sirius announced, throwing his arm over James's shoulder. 

"Yeah," Remus added. "With our assistance, the Evans have no choice but to love you!"

"Somehow I doubt that," James muttered under his breath.

"Oh, come on, James," Peter exclaimed. "Lighten up. It's going to be fun."

"Tons," James said weakly.

"Lily?" Mr. Evans called. 

"Dammit," James swore. "You guys get out of here NOW."

"And go WHERE?" Remus asked.

"I don't know...SOMEWHERE!" James exclaimed.

"Guys, seriously, hide," Lily said pleadingly. "My father will freak out if there's three more boys here."

"All right, all right," Sirius said, sounding as though he were being asked to do chores as he ducked behind the sofa. Remus followed his lead, but Peter still stood stupidly, staring at Lily and James.

"Get DOWN here, you prat!" Sirius hissed, grabbing Peter's shirt and pulling him behind the couch as well.

"What are you doing?" Mr. Evans asked as he stepped into the room.

"Nothing, Daddy," Lily chirped with a smile, the perfect picture of innocence.

"All right," Mr. Evans said with a seemingly forced smile. "Just checking."

He disappeared back behind the door that James guessed led to his study.

"Okay, guys, the coast is clear," Lily announced. James's three fellow Marauders stood up from behind the couch. Sirius was smiling devilishly.

"What are you going to do, Sirius?" James asked suspiciously...he didn't like that smile. The last time his best friend had worn it, James had sported neon green hair for two months.

"Noooothing," Sirius said innocently.

"Sure," James said dryly. "Now, Sirius, if you do anything, I swear I'll-"

Sirius cut him off and began giggling in a high, feminine voice.

"Oh, James, stop that!" he exclaimed shrilly.

The door to Mr. Evans's study swung open again at once, and the three Marauders disappeared behind the couch again, quick as lightning.

"What's going on in here?" Mr. Evans barked, eyeing James suspiciously. James immediately dropped his girlfriend's hand and felt his cheeks turn bright red.

"Nothing Daddy," Lily said sweetly. 

"It doesn't sound like nothing," growled Mr. Evans, glaring daggers at James.

"What are you talking about, Daddy?" Lily asked innocently. "Maybe you should take a nap..."

"All right," Mr. Evans was still eyeing them suspiciously as the door to his study closed again.

The three Marauders popped up from behind the sofa again like some strange sort of three-headed Jack-In-The-Box (Minus the box) and James felt like screaming when he saw that Sirius was still wearing The Smile.

"Sirius, please," he begged.

Sirius's smile widened instead.

"Sirius, if you-"

"James, STOP that!" he exclaimed with a shrill giggle. "My DAD's going to CATCH you!"

"Sorry, Baby," Remus replied in a ridiculously deep voice. "But I just can't resist...remember that one time in the Prefect's Bathroom?"

James was wishing desperately that he could sink into the floor while Lily made some not-so-ladylike gestures at his friends.

The study door swung open again, and James took five LARGE steps away from Lily.

Behind the thick glasses, Mr. Evans's eyes were sparkling dangerously, and he was holding a thick book that could probably knock James unconscious with one blow. (Which, most likely, was the plan.)

"I am NOT hearing things!" Mr. Evans declared, breathing heavily through his nose as he spoke. "Keep your HANDS off of my daughter, Potter. I'm warning you. If I hear one more thing..."

The study door closed once more, and James dropped to his knees when the Marauders-Behind-The-Sofa popped out again. He was ready to beg if he had to....

'Lily' Sirius began to moan in pleasure, and Remus asked in his 'Macho James' voice, "You like that, Baby? Well, we're just getting started."

Lily looked like she was about to kill someone as James took another five steps away from her.

"JAMES!" 'Lily' Sirius shrieked. "You TIGER!"

The door swung open once more to reveal Mr. Evans, who looked as though he'd just been bitten by a rabid dog. Sirius and Remus, who were still standing up, exchanged worried glances.

"YOU'RE HEADING HOME BOY!" Mr. Evans shouted so loud that James felt the floor shake under his feet. Or maybe that was just him shaking....

Mr. Evans noticed Remus and Sirius at once.

"Who are they?" he snapped.

"My...'friends'," Lily said in disgust.

"Oh really?" Mr. Evans asked, sounding equally disgusted. "And they were just...IN here while you and your boyfriend were..." He wriggled his eyebrows. "...have you no shame?"

"Mr. Evans," Sirius said in his 'I'm-so-charming' voice. "There's been a misunderstanding. That wasn't James and Lily you heard."

"Oh really?"

"Yup," Sirius confirmed. He pointed to Remus, then back to himself. "That was us."

Mr. Evans looked back and forth at them with an expression of utmost revulsion and horror. After giving them a glare that showed where Lily had gotten the ability to cause people to burst into tears with one glance, Mr. Evans uttered four words before disappearing into his study again.

"You people sicken me."


	4. Finally Starting To Look Up

Disclaimer: HP belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling :D

  
  


A/N: All righty, my awesome reviewers...you're all the absolute best, and I'd send ya all roses if I could afford it...they'd probably be dead by the time they got there, anyways. So instead, you can have this chapter! Yippee! R/R afterwards and make my day brighter :) C'mon, ya know you wanna....

  
  


Chapter Four: Finally Starting To Look Up

"You guys said you were going to help me, not GIVE HER DAD NIGHTMARES," James hissed at Peter, Sirius, and Remus as they climbed the stairs up to the guest room. Lily had already gone to bed a few minutes before.

"Sorry," Sirius said meekly-he still looked a bit shaken from the death glare Lily had given him. "We couldn't resist."

"Well, next time resist anyway," James commanded as he swung open the door to his temporary bedroom.

Sirius stepped in after him, then immediately began to screech in pain when his eyes fell upon the white room. "It's not my time! It's not my time! Don't go towards the li-i-i-ight!"

"Shut UP, you IDIOT," James exclaimed. "Do you want to wake up the whole house?"

"Too...bright...not my time..." Sirius muttered dramatically, then fell to the floor and rolled his eyes up into his head.

After staring at him skeptically for a few moments, James and Remus stepped over him and both took a seat on the bed. Peter attempted to follow them, but snagged his foot on Sirius's 'unconscious' body and fell right on top of him. As he tried to break his fall, his hand flailed out and hit the bedside lamp, which crashed to the floor. The loud sound caused James's owl, Ivory, who had been sleeping peacefully until that moment, to began screeching in alarm and shaking the cage, which toppled over on its side. 

"What was THAT??" Mr. Evans boomed.

"Oh, smooth, Peter!" James hissed, panicked.

"Whoops," replied Peter weakly.

James groaned inwardly as he heard Mr. Evans's footsteps growing nearer to the bedroom.

"You guys, you're not even supposed to be here!" he moaned under his breath. 

"Well, where are we supposed to go now, Jamesie?" Sirius whispered back, sounding a bit annoyed.

"I don't kno-"

"Would you PLEASE try to keep it down?" Mr. Evans asked angrily as he swung open the door, then gasped as he saw the broken lamp. "That was my GRANDMOTHER's!"

"Er...sorry?" James said meekly, raising his voice as though asking a question.

"You'd better be!" Mr. Evans exclaimed, staring sadly at the lamp.

"Never fear, Sirius is here!" Sirius exclaimed, taking his wand out of his pocket. "Just watch while I say the magic words, and then it will be REPAIRED!"

He muttered the incantation under his breath, then pointed his wand at the lamp, which immediately shattered into a thousand teeny pieces.

"That can happen sometimes!" he exclaimed, undaunted. "But just watch me as I attempt again-"

"NO!" Mr. Evans exclaimed. "STOP!"

Sirius put his wand down, looking at Mr. Evans as though he were an escapee from St. Mungo's. 

"All right, all right," he said. "Sorr-y."

"I'll fix it," James volunteered, pulling his own wand out of his pocket. Mr. Evans stared at the lamp nervously, but didn't protest. James muttered "Reparo" under his breath and pointed his wand at the lamp, which immediately became whole again.

"Thank you," Mr. Evans muttered, unplugging the lamp, then picking it up from the ground and holding it protectively as if it were a baby. "Try to keep the volume down."

And with that, he turned and left.

James couldn't help but lose it at Sirius.

"Are you TRYING deliberately to ruin this for me?" James hissed. "Did it EVER cross your mind that this might be the teeniest bit IMPORTANT?"

"Whoa," Sirius looked a bit alarmed. "Jamesie, calm down-"

"No, I won't calm down!" James had to work to keep his voice low. "Did you ever stop to think that I might LOVE LILY?"

"No," Sirius said immediately. "You've never said that."

"Well, I DO," James exclaimed. "I love her A LOT. And it's not just school boy crush puppy love, either. It's together until the end of time love. And you're trying to RUIN it! So just...stop, okay?"

Sirius looked stunned.

"Lemme get this straight," Sirius said. "You're in LOVE?"

"Of COURSE he's in love, idiot," Remus cut in. "He's only been dating Lily since fourth year."

"Well, ex-CUSE me," muttered Sirius. He turned to James. "Listen, Jamesie, buddy, I'm sorry about this...I didn't know you...loved her." He put on a disgusted expression, and Remus elbowed him in the stomach. "All righty, my point is...I'll stop being annoying."

"Thanks, Padfoot," James said softly, then paused for a second. A smug smile suddenly broke out on his face. "Oh my God, I can't believe it. Sirius is being serious."

"Well, of course I am," Sirius said with a grin. "Who else am I supposed to be?"

"No, SERIOUS."

"Yeeeeah," Sirius said slowly. "That's me."

"No, SERIOUS."

"That is I!"

"No, SERIOUS."

"That's my name, don't wear it out!"

"NO, I mean SERIOUS..."

  
  


~*~

  
  


"Jamesie, get up."

"Whaa?" James muttered, rolling over in bed and groaning.

"It's time to get up, Jamesiekins!" 

"Go away, Sirius," James mumbled. 

"James, get UP!" Sirius ordered. "You know I'm not going to leave you alone."

"I know," James groaned, opening his eyes and blinking a few times until the blob standing over him morphed into a blurry Sirius. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and put them on.

"Now get dressed and come downstairs," Sirius ordered, then disappeared from the room. 

Confused, James quickly dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, then rushed downstairs.

"Where are you guys?" he asked softly so as not to wake anyone.

"In the kitchen," Remus called back.

James quickly made his way to the Evans kitchen to find his three best friends hard at work. Sirius was pouring orange juice into a glass, Remus was setting food on the table, and Peter was placing a vase of flowers in the center of the table.

"What are you doing?" James asked.

"This was all you, buddy," Sirius replied with a grin. "The parents will have to appreciate it."

James eyed the table...a stack of fluffy, light brown pancakes sat in between scrambled eggs and bacon.

"And there's nothing wrong with this?" James asked suspiciously. The last thing he needed was for Petunia to eat a stick of bacon and be transfigured into a monkey.

"Nope," Sirius said earnestly. "You can even taste it all yourself."

"I'll just take your word for it," James said uneasily, studying all the food. It looked edible...

"Evans alert!" Sirius announced. "All right, we're out of here...we'll see you later, Jamesie." He gave him a wink. "Don't forget to take all the credit."

"All right..." James said softly as Sirius pulled a package of floo powder out of his pocket and gestured for the other Marauders to follow him. 

"See ya, Jamesie," Sirius said merrily.

"Buh bye, Prongs," Remus added.

"Good luck," Peter finished.

His fellow Marauders disappeared into the living room, and James leaned against the counter, trying to look casual. 

"Yup, I did this," he muttered to himself. "It was all me. James. Who burns water."

The kitchen door swung open, and Mrs. Evans walked inside. She studied the table and blinked a few times.

"Oh, James, dear, did you do this?" she asked.

"Yup," James replied, hoping he sounded convincing.

"Oh, how lovely!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed, beaming. "That was so sweet of you, dear!"

"Thanks," James said, returning her smile as Lily walked into the kitchen.

"James," she said in surprise. "Did you do this?"

"Y...yeah," James replied nervously, knowing that Lily wouldn't buy it for a second. Number one, she knew how limited his cooking 'skills' were. Number two, you didn't lie to Lily.

You just didn't.

"Oh really?" she asked suspiciously, raising an eyebrow at him as she tied her red flannel bathrobe.

"Mmm-hmm," James nodded earnestly.

"I see," Lily said, coming over to him and giving him a peck on the cheek as her mother sat down at the table. After kissing him, Lily leaned over to his ear and whispered, "Where the hell did this come from? You know I'm not going to buy that you made it in a second."

"What do you mean?" James whispered back with an anxious laugh. "You don't believe me?"

"You could put it that way, yes," Lily replied quietly as she pulled away from him.

Mr. Evans and Petunia came downstairs a few minutes later and both recoiled in surprise.

"You...did this?" Mr. Evans asked suspiciously.

James nodded, not trusting himself enough to open his mouth.

"Well...this is...nice," Mr. Evans said gingerly as he sat down. After a thorough, five minute long inspection of all the food (he even sniffed the scrambled eggs...) he finally took a pancake and began to cover it with butter.

Honestly, James thought to himself. I wouldn't POISON the father of my marriage-material girlfriend. Do I LOOK that stupid?

After a quick self-inspection in the mirror on the opposite wall, James decided that he definitely did. (If people thought his hair looked messy during the day, they probably couldn't find a word in their vocabulary to describe it in the morning.)

But STILL!

The Evans family seemed to enjoy the breakfast, though Petunia refused to eat anything and settled for a mere glass of orange juice ('DADDY, what if he CURSED the food???'). Mr. Evans actually gave James a semi-sincere smile and thanked him for the meal.

As Lily was clearing the table, she walked past James and gave him a wink, then whispered, "See? Things are getting better!"

James grinned in response...she was right.

Things were finally starting to look up. 

  
  



	5. A Death Eater Ambush...Sort Of.

Chapter Five: A Death Eater Ambush...Sort Of.  
  


A/N: Here it is, Crystal...*FINALLY*. You can't kill me! And I'll have the next chapter up soon. Thanks a zillion to all you awesome reviewers. Now I must go-I'm watching the best movie on earth (MOULIN ROUGE) and Christian's about to invent "the hills are alive with the sound of music"! ....Gotta watch it to get it :) Buh bye now :D  
  


~*~  
  


Breakfast went remarkably well when compared to the previous happenings on James's visit. As a matter of fact, it would have been downright perfect if Mr. Evans hadn't looked as though he was positive a bite of eggs would transform him into a squid at any given moment. 

"James, darling, this really was lovely of you," Mrs. Evans said for what seemed to be the ten millionth time.

"It was no problem," James replied truthfully as Mr. Evans stared suspiciously into his orange juice.

"I had no idea you knew how to cook the regu...er, Muggle way," Lily's mother continued.

"Neither did I," James mumbled to himself. Lily kicked him under the table.

"What was that, dear?" Mrs. Evans asked curiously.

"Neither did...Lily," James said weakly.

"Yup," Lily added with a nod. "I had NO idea James had so much talent in the kitchen!"

James smiled meekly.

"Mmm," Mrs. Evans seemed oblivious to James's discomfort. "These pancakes are simply AMAZING-would you mind showing me how to make them after breakfast?"

"Er...sure," James said nervously. "No problem."

No problem at all, he continued to himself. It's not like I've never cooked ANYTHING in my entire LIFE before.

"You're a dear, James!" Mrs. Evans proclaimed. "I'm so glad our Lily found someone so wonderful....aren't you glad, Paul?"

"Thrilled," Mr. Evans replied dryly. "Just plain overcome with happiness."

Mrs. Evans glared at her husband, then stood up and began to collect everyone's dishes.

"Ugh," she groaned, "I'm NOT in the mood to do dishes..."

"I'll do them, Mrs. Evans," James volunteered. 

"Oh, no, darling!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed. "You've done enough already..." "I insist," James cut off, taking the dishes out of her arms.

"If you insist," Mrs. Evans smiled. "Then I'm off to take a nice, long bath."

"I'm going to my study," Mr. Evans announced. Petunia didn't let them know where she was disappearing off to, but James was pretty sure he'd survive without the information.

"James," Lily said in a way-too-sweet voice as she helped him carry the dishes to the sink. "Have you ever actually WASHED a dish before?"

"No," James replied breezily. "But how hard can it be?"

"You'd be surprised," Lily replied slyly. "Now, first-"

"Lily!" Mr. Evans called. "Can I see you for a moment, sweetie?"

"Yes Daddy," Lily yelled back. She fixed her gaze on James, voice firm. "Now, don't even ATTEMPT to start this until I get back."

And with that, she spun on her bunny slipper-clad heel and left the kitchen, red ponytail bouncing with each step.

Yawning, James stacked all the dishes next to the sink and hummed to himself. Grinning, he studied the picture of the four Evanses that hung over the micro...microcave? Oh well. Something like that. Lily's father had an arm wrapped lovingly around his daughter's shoulder, and she was staring up at him with big green eyes.

If James hadn't met Mr. Evans, he would've gathered from the photograph that he was a nice guy. But after all, cliche sayings like 'you can't judge a book by its cover' weren't made up for nothing.

To think that could be his father-in-law one day...

A loud, high sound suddenly filled the room, causing James to jump about eight feet into the air. It sounded almost like a...ringing.

The kitchen grew silent, but a few seconds later the strange ringing sounded again. James began to look around the room suspiciously, trying to find the sound's source. As the ringing occurred a third time, James discovered that it was coming from a strange object hung on the wall with a long curly cord.

He cautiously lifted the object and held it to his ear. Silence...and then-

"Hello?...is anyone there?"

"WHO SAID THAT?!" James shouted, spinning around to find the room empty.

"Ted Nielsen," the voice replied, annoyed. "Can I speak to Frank Evans?"

"Where are you hiding?" James asked loudly, madly swinging open a few cupboards.

"Is this some sort of joke?" the voice asked angrily. "I NEED to speak with Frank, it's about his business promotion..."

It must be one of You-Know-Who's spies! James concluded, panic racing through his body. The Evanses were in danger!

"Show yourself unless you'd like to spend the rest of your life as a rock, buddy!" James warned. "I have a wand, and I was top of my year in Transfiguration at Hogwarts!"

"WHAT?!" the voice exploded.

Oooh, that scared ya, HUH, buddy? James thought as he detangled himself from the object's cord and checked behind a counter for the intruder.

"Yeah, you heard me!" James continued. "You're going straight to Azkaban, buddy!"

"What the hell?" the voice asked in outrage before a soft click sounded.

"Don't bother hiding," James muttered. "I'll find you, and you'll be in Azkaban before you can say 'dementor'..."

Another voice, this time female, responded, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again!"

James pulled his wand out of his pocket and swung open the pantry. 

Nothing.

They must have an invisibility cloak! James thought, lifting his hands up and blindly running them through the air. He'd catch them!

"James Potter, WHAT are you doing?"

"Lily, get out and warn your family!" James cried. "There's someone in here!"

"WHAT are you talking about?" Lily asked.

"Death Eaters, they're here!" James exclaimed. 

All color immediately disappeared from Lily's face and she disappeared soundlessly out of the kitchen.

"Mum, Dad, Petunia, get out!" James could hear her scream.

"What's going on?" Mr. Evans called back. 

"No time to explain, just get out the door!" Lily yelled. "NOW!"

Within seconds, all four Evanses and James were out the door, Mrs. Evans in a bathrobe with damp hair and Petunia sporting some sort of green, extremely gooey facial mask that made her look more like a swamp monster rather than a horse.

Lily's older sister seemed to be hyperventilating.

"I can't believe it!" she shrieked as she ran across the yard. "You've finally done it, Lily, you've gotten us KILLED!"

"Shut UP, Petunia!" Lily hissed back, wand out and standing cautiously by the door. James followed suit.

Petunia didn't take her sister's advice.

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT FROM THE SECOND YOU GOT THAT LETTER FROM THAT...THAT PIGPIMPLES PLACE! I KNEW THAT IT WOULD END UP KILLING US EVENTUALLY! THEY'LL PROBABLY TURN US ALL INTO FROGS!"

Despite the drastic situation, James couldn't help but think that with her face mask she already looked quite similar to one.

"FROGS!" she continued with an outraged screech. James noticed that she'd passed through the Evans's picket fence and was quickly nearing the road.

"Petunia Elizabeth Evans, get out of the road!" Mr. Evans ordered. Mrs. Evans looked too shocked to speak...she was staring at her daughter, apparently extremely frightened. James couldn't blame her-she'd obviously never seen combat Lily before.

"I AM NOT GOING NEAR THOSE FREAKS!" Petunia screamed back. "THEY'RE WHAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS! NO, I'M-"

"CAR!" shouted Mr. Evans a millisecond too late. It had just swerved, narrowly missing Petunia, and slammed right into the Evans's fence.

All five of them were silent and frozen in place as an enraged looking man emerged from the driver's seat of the car.

"Are you lot MAD?!" he asked, angrily yanking on one of the ends of his rather bushy mustache. Mr. Evans seemed to shrink a bit as the man advanced on him-he was very burly, and could easily crush Lily's father into compost.

Petunia, who had fallen into the middle of the road in shock, stood up and began to flip her blonde hair and bat her eyelashes at an almost alarming rate. At that moment, James was glad that he wasn't the big, burly type...having Petunia attempt to flirt with you seemed worse than a life sentence in Azkaban.

Especially when her face was covered with green goop.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized in a light, breezy voice very unlike her own. "We were just...having a bit of trouble in the house." She paused, then invented, "Fire."

The man was staring at her with an expression of intense disgust, and James definitely couldn't blame him. However, there were more important things going on at the moment than Petunia's lack of flirting skills.

"Lil," he hissed, "There's someone still in there, you know."

"James, I-"

A sudden ringing sounded inside the house.

"There!" James exclaimed. "That's it again!"

Lily looked at him with an expression he couldn't quite read.

"Er...that's what you heard?" Lily asked weakly.

"Yeah!" James replied, nodding vigorously and wondering why she wasn't as panicked.

"Er...James, sweetie, that's the telephone."

"The...telephone?" he repeated meekly.

"Yes, the telephone," Lily replied, looking extremely pained.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans looked at him crossly while Petunia batted her eyes at the man with back-breaking speed. 

"Erm..." James said weakly. "Whoops."

"The call...it wasn't from anyone named Ted Nielsen, was it?" Mr. Evans asked worriedly.

"Um..." James wished that the car had hit him. Perhaps they'd be a bit more sympathetic if he'd had blood spurting out of him. "Yeah. That was him."

Mr. Evans immediately disappeared back into the house, cursing under his breath. After Mrs. Evans shot James a sympathetic look, she turned and followed her husband.

"I thought there was a fire in there," the man said, confused. "Are you lot mad? Why are they going back in there?"

"To extinguish it, I guess-" Lily was cut off by Petunia.

"I'm Petunia Evans," she said with what she obviously thought was a seductive smile. "What's your name?"

He backed up a few steps, then announced with an air of great importance, "Vernon Dursley."  
  
  
  



	6. Physical

A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you a zillion times to all of you awesome reviewers! I didn't even begin to expect I'd get so many reviews (and FOUR from Airelle Vilka, my fanfiction idol, no less *dies from the blissful happiness of it all*) and you are all the ABSOLUTE best :) :) :) I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, and I apologize in advance for the sorta/kinda L/J mush. :S I just couldn't help it! All righty, I swear I'll shut up now :) Read on!

  
  


Chapter Six: Physical

Before that evening, James had never heard of drills. However, by the time they finished eating dinner, he was positive that he could live a long and happy existence without ever having to hear about them again.

After the incident earlier that day, the Evanses had insisted that Vernon Dursley come over for dinner to apologize for the accident Petunia had caused. Vernon had agreed.

Unfortunately.

As he rambled on about drills, a simply mesmerized Petunia watching him intently, James stifled a yawn. Lily was pushing her mashed potatoes around her plate with her fork, looking extremely bored. Both of her parents wore fixed smiles as they listened to Petunia's new object of affection.

"Er...Mum," Lily started, standing up from the table and snatching James's plate out from in front of him, even though he still had half of his meal left. "I think I'm going to wash the dishes. James can help."

"Oh, no, dear, I was planning on it," Mrs. Evans said desperately. "I wouldn't dream of tearing you away from this fascinating conversation."

"No, really, Mum," Lily said, snatching up a few more plates and stacking them on top of James's. "I couldn't bear to take you away from this. It would be just cruel of me."

"No, darling, really-"

"Come on James," Lily cut in, balancing all the plates on one hand and dragging James into the kitchen with the other.

"I officially loathe the person who invented drills," James announced as Lily began to fill up the sink.

"Honestly," Lily agreed, "Couldn't he find something just a BIT more interesting to talk about? Like, I don't know, toothpicks?" She sighed. "Knowing my luck, Petunia will marry the prat."

"No way is that guy going to be my brother-in-law."

As soon as the words escaped James's mouth, he felt his cheeks flush, and Lily stared intently down at the dishes. 

Why the bloody HELL did you do that, imbecile? he asked himself furiously. Now things are going to be all awkward!

They'd never even DISCUSSED getting married, after all! James had just assumed...well...Lily had been his only serious girlfriend all through Hogwarts, so what else were they supposed to do?

"Well," Lily finally said after what seemed like a lifetime of silence, "James, you have to RINSE the dishes and stack them in the dish drainer."

James stared down at the full sink of soapy dishes waiting to be rinsed.

"Sorry," he apologized sheepishly, turning on the sink and running the dishes under the steamy water.

"It's okay," she replied softly.

The awkward silence resumed, and James felt almost afraid to breathe. Minus the muffled one-sided conversation between Vernon and the Evanses coming from the dining room, it was quiet.

He and Lily were never awkward around one another. It just didn't happen to them.

Or it hadn't.

But now he'd had to go be an idiot and mention MARRIAGE, of all bloody things! 

Obviously, the quiet was bothering Lily as well, because she left the sink and switched on the radio. Humming along softly, she continued to wash the dishes, and James rinsed them numbly.

Why, oh WHY did he have to be such an idiot?

"I'm sorry," he finally muttered. He had done this, and now he had to fix it.

"It's all right," Lily replied quietly. "It's just that...it's strange to talk about marriage so young."

"I'm sorry," James repeated. "It was a dumb thing to say...I mean, it's not like you'd want to marry me-"

"Oh, puh-leeze," Lily cut him off, bumping his hip lightly with her own. "You know we're going to get old and senile together."

"Aw, how romantic," James replied teasingly, pecking her on the cheek.

"James, you tiger," Lily said sarcastically, kissing him lightly on the lips.

At that moment, the door burst open and Mr. Evans stepped into the kitchen. It wasn't hard to mentally picture lightning flashing around him in true 'bad-guy-entrance' fashion.

"WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?" he boomed.

I am Thor, God of Thunder, James thought dryly.

Lily backed away from James at once.

"Just washing the dishes, Daddy," she said innocently.

"I'll take care of that," Mr. Evans said quickly. "Why don't you two go out in the living room with Mr. Dursley and Petunia?"

"Daddy-"

"NOW," Mr. Evans ordered.

Lily dragged James out of the kitchen, muttering, "Honestly, it's too much to ask to be alone for more than two seconds."

As soon as they stepped into the living room, it was clear that Mr. Evans was obviously more worried about his younger daughter being alone with a boy. Petunia and Vernon were seated on the sofa, and James felt embarrassed just watching how shamelessly Lily's sister flirted. An Olivia Newton John song was playing on the radio...'Physical'.

Forward much? James thought dryly.

"So," Petunia began in a breezy tone quite unlike her own, "Are you busy this Friday night? Maybe we could see a movie."

Vernon cleared his throat, looking particularly uncomfortable. 

"Uh...well...I..."

Petunia scooted even closer to Vernon, which James hadn't thought possible until that moment. 

"We could-"

However, Petunia didn't get a chance to finish her sentence, seeing as she was cut off by Sirius, Remus, and Peter climbing out of the fireplace.

Sirius grinned at Petunia and Vernon and wriggled his eyebrows mischievously. 

Then, to the utmost horror of everyone in the room (perhaps the house...heck, maybe even the neighborhood!) he began to sing along with the radio.

"Let's get physical!" he warbled, his voice many octaves higher than usual and painfully off-key, "Physical! I wanna get physical! Let's get physical! Lemme hear your body talk, your body talk, lemme hear your body talk!"

Petunia, James, and Lily were all staring at Sirius in utmost revulsion, and Vernon looked as though he was about to faint.

"What...what the...?" Vernon muttered wildly, staring wide-eyed at James's fellow Marauders. "Where...how...?"

"Ahhh, Petunia," Sirius said slyly, "I didn't know you liked the not-capable-of-coherent-speech type! To think ol' Peter here coulda scored!"

"Shut up," Peter squeaked.

"You people..." Vernon said in shock. "I...you climbed out of the fireplace!"

"Ding ding ding! And he forms a sentence, everyone!" Sirius exclaimed in a deep announcer's tone. "Let's give our friend a round of applause here!"

Remus and Peter burst into enthusiastic applause, and Vernon looked as though his eyes were about to pop out of his head.

"You people are crazy!" he proclaimed, then sped out of the living room.

Petunia, who had been glaring daggers at Sirius, called desperately, "So...see you Friday???"

  
  
  
  


A/N 2: The song Physical belongs to Olivia Newton John, which I stated in the fic, and she can keep it. :) Though I'm sure Sirius wouldn't mind borrowing it a bit more...


	7. Fine Dining-Dr. Pepper and Escargot

A/N: Okey doke, you beautiful people, just had to add up here that I absolutely adore you all and keep R/R-ing...you really brighten up my day! :) Hope you enjoy this chapter...the mental image almost killed me as I was writing it. (How pathetic, I crack myself up...*shudders*)

  
  


Chapter Seven: Fine Dining-Dr. Pepper and Escargot

  
  


Despite his rather dramatic exit at dinner a few days before, Vernon Dursley arrived promptly at eight o'clock sharp to pick up Petunia on Friday. Petunia had taken quite a few hours to get ready, and at one point practically had a nervous breakdown when she announced that her mascara had mysteriously disappeared. James, Lily, and the other Marauders had taken great pleasure in seeing Petunia practically explode under the pressure of it all, though she didn't seem to see the humor in it. When Sirius approached her with his glass of grape juice and oh-so-innocently asked what she would do if he 'accidentally' spilled it on her white silk blouse, Petunia had shrieked, slapped him hard across the face, and stomped out of the room.

An hour later, Sirius was still rubbing his cheek with a pained expression on his face when Vernon was ushered into the house by Mrs. Evans, who disappeared into her husband's study. As soon as he saw Sirius, his eyes practically popped out of his head, and with a strangled cry, he proclaimed, "Y...you!"

"Me!" Sirius replied cheerfully, then tilted his head slightly to the stairs from which Petunia would be descending any moment. "You be careful around that one...one wrong move and she'll go into full-out violent mode."

Vernon didn't reply...instead he just took a few steps back, his face contorted into an expression of extreme edginess.

Lily, James, Remus, and Peter all burst into laughter, though it took Peter a bit longer than the others to register what Sirius had said. Though he knew it was mean of him, James couldn't sometimes help but wonder why they were friends with Peter in the first place...to be completely honest, he wasn't quick-witted or sarcastic like they were, and had never actually come up with any of their pranks they'd played in their Hogwarts years. Now that he thought back on it, he was sure that if he and Peter's fathers hadn't been such good friends, they'd have never even been close at all.

James was pulled out of his thoughts when Petunia glided with practiced elegance down the stairs, dressed in the white blouse and a knee-length gray skirt. 

Sirius let out a low wolf whistle, then proclaimed, "If I was a horse, you couldn't keep me away from you, baby!"

The Marauders and Lily burst into laughter again, and Sirius winked at Petunia. She glared daggers at him in response, her rather equine face scrunching into an angry expression, before turning to Vernon and greeting him in the 'fake-Petunia' voice, which was so breathy it sounded like she'd just run a marathon.

"Where are we going?" she asked. 

Remus snorted loudly at her airy tone.

"I thought we'd go to a new French restaurant that just opened recently," Vernon replied gallantly, puffing out his chest. "I managed to snag some excellent reservations, due to the connections my father has with the company-"

Just then, the door to Mr. Evans's study burst open, revealing Lily's mother.

"Oh, are you about to leave?" she asked with her ever present grin.

Vernon nodded.

"Well, Mr. Evans and I decided that we'd like a bit of time alone tonight," Mrs. Evans was cut off by Sirius, who gagged loudly, wrinkling his nose in disgust. She eyed him curiously before continuing. "So I was wondering if it would be too much to ask if Lily, James, and their friends went along with you. It would be a sort of double date with extra guests!"

"Love to, but I can't," Remus proclaimed quickly. "I'm supposed to meet Crys in a half hour."

He was referring to Crystal Parks, his long-time girlfriend whom he'd been with since his forth year at Hogwarts.

"My parents wanted me home," Peter piped up. 

"Oh, what a shame," Mrs. Evans said, then turned to Sirius. "Are you free, darling?"

Sirius grinned deviously. "As a matter of fact, I am."

"Well, isn't that splendid?" Mrs. Evans asked, grinning energetically at Petunia.

"Mother!" she begged. "Please don't let HIM come, he'll spoil everything!"

Sirius's dark eyes immediately filled with hurt that James, Lily, Remus, and Peter immediately identified as fake. Mrs. Evans, however, was completely fooled.

"Well," Sirius said despondently. "If you don't want me to go..."

"Oh, no, darling!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed, throwing her daughter a dirty look. "Petunia will be happy to have you along, right, Petunia?"

"Mother-"

"RIGHT, Petunia?" Mrs. Evans growled.

"Right," Petunia sighed reluctantly.

"Absolutely fabulous then," Mrs. Evans smiled. "Now, why don't you kids hurry on? Peter, Remus, are you sure you don't want to join them? Remus, I'm sure they wouldn't mind your friend coming along-"

"I'd love to, but I'd better not," Remus replied, his eyes sparkling and voice soft and charming, the way it always was when he spoke with adults. Behaving like this had earned him the 'I Wish He Was My Son' award from James's own mother. "Crys and I haven't seen each other in way too long."

"All right then," Mrs. Evans said. "Now, kids, you should all get a move on."

Petunia groaned as Sirius hopped off of the couch, simply delighted, and threw an arm around Vernon's shoulders. Vernon recoiled in disgust, but Sirius grinned widely.

"This is gonna be fun!"

  
  


~*~

  
  


As Lily studied the candle-lit table, one single rose in a crystal vase in the center, she decided that it would be quite romantic if it weren't for-

"Sirius!" James hissed, elbowing his best friend in the stomach. After a particularly mushy remark from Vernon to Petunia, Sirius had begun to make loud kissy sounds that attracted the attention of practically everyone in the restaurant.

"What?" Sirius asked innocently. "I was just trying to add to the romantic mood."

"Do you NEVER shut up?" James asked angrily.

"Nope," Sirius replied with a grin.

"Wonderful," Lily said dryly, sipping her wine glass filled with water. Petunia was staring at Vernon, absolutely enthralled, and for about the seventy billionth time in her eighteen years, she wondered how they could possibly be related. According to her friends, James wasn't exactly Sirius Black (who half the female population at Hogwarts had been in love with), but at least he didn't resemble a pig. 

No matter what Petunia said, Lily was positive she had better taste in men than her sister.

"I was thinking perhaps we could go out dancing after supper," Vernon suggested, obviously working at making his gruff voice husky and failing miserably.

"That would be wonderful," Petunia breathed.

"Ooooh!" Sirius exclaimed, clapping his hands in joy. "Dancing!"

"On second thought," Vernon said, eyeing Sirius as though he were an escaped patient from St. Mungo's, "Maybe we shouldn't."

"I agree," Petunia said weakly, glaring at Sirius for the millionth time that night. If looks would kill, Lily had a feeling they'd be hiring a caterer for the funeral right about then.

Just then, an elder looking waiter approached them and asked in a stuffy tone, "Can I get you anything?"

"Ooh!" Sirius said energetically. "Could I have some snails??"

"Snails, sir?" the waiter asked, wrinkling his nose.

Sirius nodded vigorously. "I've always wanted to eat snails."

"I'm going to assume you are referring to escargot," the waiter said stiffly. "So I will get some for you and return shortly."

"Cool!" Sirius said. "Thanks, man!"

The waiter looked incredibly offended at being referred to as 'man'.

"And could I get some Dr. Pepper with that?"

Lily felt her stomach quease in disgust and wondered if Sirius's taste buds functioned properly.

"As you wish," the waiter called after his shoulder.

"I have the feeling that Sirius and escargot aren't gonna mix well," James whispered to Lily, who nodded in agreement.

"So, Vernon, have you scheduled a date for the wedding yet?" Sirius asked perkily. "Can I be the best man? Just to let you know, I am EXCELLENT best man material. Lil, Jamesie, and I decided way back in first year that I'd be the best man at their wedding!"

"Oh," Vernon said, tone full of obvious dislike.

The waiter returned shortly with a tray holding a plate of escargot, which looked incredibly unappetising, and a wine glass full of Dr. Pepper.

"Yum, yum, yum!" Sirius exclaimed as the waiter set the tray down in front of him and disappeared as quickly as he could. "Nothing's better than a good ol' plate of snails and Dr. Pepper, don't you agree?"

Everyone stared blankly at him, and James finally proclaimed, "Sirius, my friend, you're going to end up in St. Mungo's one of these days."

Sirius nodded. "Damn straight!"

He picked up the escargot with his fingers (an elderly couple sitting at the table next to theirs eyed him with utmost disgust at this) and popped it into his mouth, then immediately took a swig of Dr. Pepper before even beginning to chew.

He attempted to swallow and chew at the same time, and disaster struck in the blink of an eye!

"I'm choking, I'm choking!" Sirius shouted, standing up and clutching his throat as Dr. Pepper sprayed out of his mouth and onto Petunia's white blouse. She shrieked, and Vernon began to clean it up eagerly with a napkin.

"Aw, Petunia!" Lily exclaimed as James pointed out that Sirius couldn't be choking if he still had the ability to speak. "Don't let the man sexually harass you like that! Slap 'im!" 

Apparently her nerves had been tried enough, because Petunia rose her hand and slapped Vernon straight across the face. 

The soft chatter in the restaurant had disappeared entirely, and Lily blushed as she felt everyone's eyes on them.

"I'm going to DIE!" Sirius shrieked. "DIE!"

"Sirius, if you were going to die, you'd be dead already!" James exclaimed. 

"Oh yeah!"

Sirius perked up and gave a wave to everyone who was watching them in either a) horror, b) amusement, or c) disgust. 

"Don't worry, ladies and gents!" he boomed. "Everything is a okay! You can't kill Sirius Black that easily!"

"Unfortunately," Petunia spat bitterly.

  
  


A/N 2: Yes, yes, Crystal, that is right...Remmie and you have been together since fourth year :) I wonder if you're screaming in happiness yet :) (To you readers who have NO idea what I'm talking about, PepsiAngel here has quite an obsession with everyone's favorite werewolf!)


	8. Disco Jack's Karaoke Bar

A/N: Ahhh, here it is...the long awaited (by Crystal, anyways) chapter 8, in which our friends visit a karaoke bar. I'm aware that these didn't exist in the late '70's, when this would take place according to JK's Harry Potter universe, but in Meet the Parents universe, let's just say it's the late eighties, all righty? Super then :) And also, none of the songs are mine. 

  
  


So sit back, relax, and be afraid. Oh, be very afraid.

  
  


~*~

  
  


Chapter Eight: Disco Jack's Karaoke Bar

  
  


The double dates (along with Sirius) continued, thanks to Lily's mother, who practically shoved them out the door each evening with an 'It's so nice to see you kids bonding!'. 

On the fifth date, the Evanses dropped the three couples (Remus had come this time, and dragged Crystal along with him) and Sirius off in front of a karaoke bar on their way to a romantic dinner at the French restaurant Sirius had gotten himself banned from with flourish. 

"You kids have fun!" Mrs. Evans called, head leaning out the window as the car drove away.

Lily, Petunia, Vernon, and Crystal (whose mother was Muggleborn) all stared up in horror at the bright neon sign proclaiming "Disco Jack's Karaoke Bar". Remus, James, and Sirius studied it curiously.

"What's karaoke?" James asked.

"You don't want to know," Lily replied truthfully. "We can't go in there."

"Why not?" asked Remus.

"Imagine Snape singing," Crystal ordered.

"Why?" Remus asked with a shudder.

"Now multiply that by about a hundred," continued Crystal. "And THAT is a karaoke bar."

"You mean to tell me that there are hundreds of Snapes in there singing?" Sirius asked delightedly. "A hundred Snapes for me to mock and ridicule? Let's go!"

He grabbed Remus's arm and dragged him inside, and Crystal followed them reluctantly with a muttered, "That wasn't what I meant."

Though it was the last thing she wanted to do, Lily exchanged a look with James, and they followed their friends inside. Sirius, Remus, and Crystal had already sat down at a table, and Sirius was clapping his hands enthusiastically to the beat of the worst version of Material Girl Lily had ever heard in her life, sung by two giggling girls that looked around their age.

"Sooo, are you and Jamesie going to sing a ridiculously mushy love ballad?" he asked Lily as she sat down next to him. 

"No way am I letting James sing in public," Lily responded with a shudder.

"HEY!" cut in James, offended.

"Honey, you know it's true," Lily said. "The last time you attempted to sing, your sister's owl dropped down dead."

"That was a sheer and utter coincidence!" James defended himself. "That owl was on the verge of death, anyway-it was ANCIENT!"

"The owl was a year old!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Hey, did anyone talk to you?" James asked, annoyed.

Sirius shook his head. "Well, no. But I have such a lovable personality that I don't need anyone to talk to me in order to know they need to hear the sound of my beautiful voice."

Lily, James, Remus, and Crystal all began to laugh, but quickly stifled the laughter with loud, hacking coughs.

"Feeling a bit ill?" Sirius asked cheerfully.

"Hey, you!"

All of them turned in unison to see a middle-aged balding man with a potbelly pointing at them. He was dressed in checkered pink-and-green bellbottoms and a bright green silk shirt exposing most of his chest, which gave Remus a run for his money even when in werewolf mode. At least three golden chains hung around his neck.

"You seem to be makin' a lotta noise!" he continued. "Why don't you get up here?"

"There is NO way I'm going up there," Lily hissed at once. "And NEITHER IS JAMES."

"I wanna go!" Sirius said energetically.

"No argument there," James said. 

"I wanna go!" Sirius repeated.

"Well, I'm not going up there!" Crystal declared.

"I wanna go!" cried Sirius.

"Neither am I!" said Remus.

"I wanna go!" said...well, must I tell you???

"Nah, Remus, you go up!" James exclaimed. "You're the only one out of us who can actually sing, anyway!"

"Ex-CUSE me?" asked Sirius indignantly.

"I'm NOT going up there!" Remus exclaimed.

"Well, neither is anyone else!"

"I wanna go!" 

"SHUT UP, SIRIUS!" everyone cried in unison.

He stuck out his lower lip in an exaggerated pout and crossed his arms. "FINE."

"C'mon, Moony!" James said with a grin.

"All right, all RIGHT, I'll go," Remus said, standing up. 

"Thank you!" everyone cried.

"But Crystal's coming with me," he finished, grabbing her hand and dragging her out of her seat and around the many tables filled with rock-star-wannabes.

"Remus, NO!" Crystal protested as he dragged her up on stage.

Disco Jack was grinning widely, exposing all ten of his yellowing teeth. "And here we have..."

"Remus and Crystal," whispered Remus.

"Remus and Crystal singing Somethin' Stupid!"

Both looking extremely nervous and quite crimson, they began to sing in unison, "I know I stand in line, until you think you have the time 

To spend an evening with me 

And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance 

You won't be leaving with me 

And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place 

And have a drink or two 

And then I go and spoil it all, by saying somethin' stupid 

Like 'I love you'."

Both Material Girls were positively swooning as Remus sang, and each looked as though they'd like to beat Crystal with a large stick. As they finished, the entire room was positively silent...the crowd was most likely trying to decide how exactly they were supposed to react when one of the performers had actual talent.

Cheeks still flushed, Remus and Crystal hurried down from the stage, hand in hand, and the Material Girls both gave her looks of extreme loathing. 

"How do you do it, Moony?" Sirius asked, pouting. "All you have to do is sing a note and the girls are tripping all over you."

"Well, that's too bad for them," Crystal commented, a possessive glint in her eyes. "'Cause he's MY wolf."

"So we've heard, Mrs. Moony," Sirius rolled his eyes. 

"Will they ever go HOME?" Lily groaned as the Material Girls pranced back onto the stage.

"And here," Disco Jack said, sounding extremely unenthusiastic, "We have, once again, Jessie and Mandy singing Physical."

As the disgustingly-disco beat of Physical started up, Sirius let out a strangled gasp.

"That's MY song!" he cried. "They can't sing MY song!"

And before Lily, James, Remus, or Crystal could attempt to stop him, Sirius was bounding towards the stage.

"Oh no," James muttered. "Oh no, oh no, oh no."

"Move aside, ladies!" he said with a grin. "This is MY song!"

Jessie and Mandy both gasped, insulted, as Sirius grabbed the mic from Mandy's hand and began to belt out his beloved disco classic.

"I'm saying all the things that I know you like!" he crooned, "Making good conversation!"

Everyone was staring at him in utmost horror, and Lily couldn't help but wonder why Sirius had been one of the most desirable guys at Hogwarts.

"I gotta handle you just right!" Sirius continued. "You know what I me-e-ean!"

Lily winced as Sirius warbled out the word, and was incredibly relieved when someone tapped her on the shoulder and hissed, "Lily!"

It was Petunia, who was standing next to Vernon and looked absolutely horrified.

"What is it?" Lily asked, annoyed. She and her sister had decided years upon years ago that it would be wisest just to avoid conversation completely, seeing as when they didn't it usually resulted in much hair-pulling and nail-scratching.

"The only places we could find near here were a foreign movie theater and an adult video store!" Petunia cried, devastated. "And there is NO WAY I can be seen in here!"

"Oh, yes, Petunia," Lily drawled. "Because so many of your friends hang out in karaoke bars."

Petunia studied Sirius for a moment in sheer horror before turning back to her sister.

"I can't be seen here!"

"Just sit down and shut up," Lily commanded, gesturing to the two empty chairs at the table next to theirs. Petunia reluctantly agreed, and stared, terrified, at Sirius until the song ended. Disco Jack applauded enthusiastically. And alone.

"Now, who shall we have up here next?" he asked. "Someone? Anyone?"

"I'm getting out of here," Petunia declared, standing up from the table. Vernon did as well. 

Lily grinned evilly as Disco Jack cried, "Groovy!" -or rather, 'ga-roovy!'- "You two, get up here!"

"Oh, no, we weren't-"

"Yeah, Petunia, get up there!" Lily said sweetly. 

"Go Petunia!" Sirius, James, Remus and Crystal began to chant. "Go Petunia! Go Petunia! Go Petunia! Go Petunia!"

"Come on up here, Petunia!" Disco Jack exclaimed.

"No."

"I didn't wanna have to sink to this," Disco Jack said sadly.

"Sink to what?" gulped Petunia.

He snapped his fingers, and out of the dark corners of the bar stepped four men, all dressed in equally tacky clothing and badly in need of the Subway diet. (Some Slim Fast wouldn't hurt, either.)

Immediately, they all grabbed Petunia and shoved her up to the stage, then attempted to do the same to Vernon. However, after many unsuccessful tries to move him from where he stood, one of them finally snapped, "Just get up there already!"

A very disgruntled-looking Vernon stomped up to the stage, then joined Petunia.

"Finally, we've managed to drag Petunia and..." Disco Jack looked questioningly at Vernon, but he looked so terrified at the prospect of being up there that he didn't offer his name. 

"Petunia's friend," he finally finished with a grin that could break a mirror, "up here! And they'll be singing Love Shack!"

Lily and Crystal immediately burst into hysterical laughter, and Sirius pouted. 

"Lucky Petunia and Vernie," he declared. "That sounds almost as great as Physical!"

Both looking as though they'd just practically inhaled a carton of expired milk (though, when Lily thought about it, that was how Petunia always looked) as they began to sing.

"If you see a faded sign at the side of the road that says fifteen miles to the love shack," Petunia started, her voice toneless. 

"Love shack..yeah. Yeah," contributed Vernon intelligently.

"I'm heading down the Atlanta highway," Petunia continued unenthusiastically. "Looking for the love getaway. Heading for the love getaway."

Vernon cleared his throat, then stammered, "I got me a car, it's as big as a whale-"

"Aren't we the optimist?" Sirius snickered.

"-And we're heading down to the love shack," Vernon continued, sounding like he had when he'd been on one of his 'drills' raves. "I got me a Chrysler and it seats about twenty, so hurry up and bring your jukebox money."

Exchanging a glance of utmost discomfort, Petunia and Vernon began to sing (horribly off-key), "The love shack is a little old place where we can get together. Love shack baby."

"Love shack baby," Vernon droned.

"Love shack, baby love shack. Love shack, baby love shack. Love shack, baby love shack..."

Lily grinned happily and closed her eyes, implanting the mental picture of her sister singing to the B52's. 

It was moments like this that truly made life worth living.


	9. Wedding Bells and Secretaries

A/N: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU! I cannot believe I've gotten over a hundred reviews...I've been dreaming of this since I first started writing on fanfiction.net. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you guys! You're the best. The absolute best. I am the happiest girl in the world. Or I would be, if all of your skidattled right over to read PepsiAngel's brilliant 'It's A Hair Dresser's Life For Us' after you finish reading this. Honestly, you gotta. Her fic puts mine to shame. *grins* Hope you enjoy this chapter. It's a bit...odd. But then again, what else could you expect from this fic?

  
  


~*~

  
  
  
  


Chapter Nine: Wedding Bells and Secretaries

  
  


James's nineteenth birthday occurred four days after the Disco Jack incident (which had revolutionized Sirius's life-he'd declared that he would open a karaoke bar and vowed to only shop at vintage clothing stores). It was pretty much uneventful, minus the twenty-something owls that Mrs. Potter bombarded him with, asking if the Muggles were treating her baby boy nicely.

Lily's birthday, which was a week and a half after James's, was the complete opposite. Mrs. Evans had apparently been planning it since, oh, the beginning of time, judging by the number of decorations she already had.

"Oh, darling," she gushed at the breakfast table five days before her daughter turned nineteen, "I've already sent out all the invitations-we'll have all your old friends, of course. I've spoken to Virginia's mother, and she'll have a few friends come along as well. Is there anyone you'd like to invite from school?"

"Well, Sirius and Peter and Remus," Lily said. "And Crystal, and Vanessa."

"Are you sure?" Mrs. Evans looked a bit dejected. "That only makes sixty-five guests!"

"Er...pretty sure." Lily'd looked a bit taken aback. Later, as she and James were washing the dishes, she informed him that she didn't think she even knew sixty-five people.

James had been a bit nervous about this as well...sixty-four innocent guests trapped in an area as small as a house with SIRIUS?

He didn't even want to think about what kind of disaster would strike.

The day before Lily's party, James, Peter, and Remus were hard at work hanging up streamers. Sirius entertained himself by untwisting the balloons and inhaling the helium, then doing his 'hilarious' (at least, he thought so) imitation of Professor Trelawney on crack.

"You will be decapitated by a flobberworm," he squeaked, then let out an extremely high-pitched squeal as Remus 'accidentally' dropped the tape on his head.

"Ow!" he cried indignantly, sounding like a chipmunk. "That hurt, you mangy canine!"

He snatched up another 'Happy Birthday' balloon, this one hot pink, and was about to untie it when Remus commented offhandedly, "You know, Sirius, inhaling helium destroys your brain cells, and you can't really afford to increase your stupidity level."

Sirius stuck his tongue out at him, but put the balloon back.

"Er...you guys?" James asked uncomfortably.

"What, Prongs?" Peter asked.

"You need Lily advice?" Remus continued. 

Sirius sent him a roguish wink.

"Well...kind of. Yeah," James replied uneasily. He really didn't want to talk about his girlfriend in front of Sirius. It wasn't exactly the wisest choice.

"Shoot," Sirius said, grinning evilly.

"Well...I don't know what to get her for her birthday."

"And it's TOMORROW?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Gee, you are one GREAT boyfriend, Jamesie. I'm surprised the women aren't lining up around the block to catch a glimpse of you."

"Shut up, Sirius," Remus said harshly, then turned to James, nice as ever. "Well, what do you want to get her?"

"Er..." James felt his cheeks redden, and he smoothed his messy hair nervously. "Uh...I was thinking maybe I'd...ask her to marry me."

Sirius let out a little screech and toppled from the ladder where he'd been sitting onto the ground, landing in a mangled heap.

"Er..."

"Whoa," Peter supplied.

"Exactly," Remus nodded in agreement. 

"Married, Prongs?!" Sirius yelped, voice muffled by the carpet. "But you're not even an adult yet! That's just crazy! Don't you want to...you know, play the field or something?"

"Not really," James said, then corrected himself. "Not at all. I just...can't see myself with anyone but her."

"And you're willing to spend...forever with her?" Peter asked, looking simply terrified at the prospect.

James nodded, feeling as though he'd just confessed to murdering the Minister of Magic or talking in a less-than-glowing manner about the Chudley Cannons.

"Well then, I say go for it," Remus said, clapping James on the back with a grin.

"You do?" James, Peter, and Sirius asked in unison.

Remus nodded. "Well, yes. If he's sure about it. You can't do much better than Lily."

"I'm sure Crystal'd love to hear you say that, Moony," Sirius said sarcastically. "Perhaps our wolf has some hidden feelings for Miss Evans?'

"I said you can't do MUCH better," said Remus crossly. "Now..."

James tuned them out as he got lost in his thoughts, and absently dropped a roll of pink streamers onto Peter's head. 

Married.

Him and Lily.

Him.

Married.

Forever.

Married.

Him.

Married.

To Lily.

Forever.

James grinned. Spending forever with Lily didn't seem so bad.

Not bad at all, in fact.

  
  


~*~

  
  


"You are a suicidal idiot, Potter," James muttered to himself as he walked, slowly as possible, down the stairs and across the living room. "Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal. Idiot, idiot, idiot."

He had actually started to get excited about this...life with Lily could be good. Very good. Maybe they'd even have a few kids: Harry, Grace, and James Junior. Get a dog.

But then Sirius, being the little bubble-burster he was, pointed out that he should ask Mr. Evans's permission at first.

Which brought him to his current 'suicidal idiot' status.

Shaking from head to toe, James rapped his knuckles nervously on the study door.

"Yeah?" Mr. Evans barked from the other side of it.

"Er...it's me, sir. James," he replied. "Could I come in?"

"Make it quick," Mr. Evans said impatiently.

Suicidal idiot, suicidal idiot, A voice in the back of his head that sounded remarkably like 'Professor Trelawney' Sirius sang.

James pushed open the door, then took a few steps in and immediately stumbled over a cord and fell to the floor.

"Er, oops," he said weakly, standing up and brushing off his clothes, cheeks flaming.

"What do you want, Potter?"

"Er...Mr. Evans, sir," James started weakly. "I...er...um..."

"Spit it out," Mr. Evans commanded. "I haven't got all day!"

I can't say it! James thought, panicked. I can't say it!

"CanLilymarryme?" he mumbled quickly, studying the carpet.

"What?" Mr. Evans asked angrily. "Speak up!"

"Can...can Lily marry me?" James asked timidly, forcing himself to look up.

Mr. Evans stared at him as though in shock, and his right eye began to twitch madly.

"My Lily? Marry...you?"

"Er...yes, sir."

"I'm not sure," Mr. Evans said gruffly. "I'm not sure if you're good enough for my Lily."

"Neither am I, sir."

"Well, then," Mr. Evans said, "I don't think it's a wise decision to marry her. Now get out."

"Please!" James exclaimed desperately. "Er...I'll...uh...I'll always be good to her, and I love her more than anything-"

"Why do you want to marry her, Potter?" Mr. Evans asked suspiciously. "D'you want our money? Did you get her pregnant?"

"NO!" James yelped, feeling like he would faint at any second. "No, no, no, no, no, Mr. Evans. I just...I love her."

"You love her?" Mr. Evans asked skeptically.

"Yes, sir."

"You love her," Mr. Evans said dryly. "Well, tell me this then, Potter-will you go out and get a respectable job, and make her lots of money? Buy her whatever she wants?"

James decided it probably wasn't wise to tell him that his family was one of the most wealthy wizarding ones in Europe, and instead just nodded.

"You'll tell her she's the most beautiful thing in the world, even when she looks like hell?" Mr. Evans continued.

"Yes, sir."

"When she's trying on dresses and asks if they make her look fat, you'll say no?"

"Yes, sir," James said.

"When she's throwing emotional fits like madwoman during that time of the month, you'll go out and buy her chocolate ice cream and let her throw a few punches at you?"

"Er...sure, sir," James said uncomfortably, feeling his cheeks heat up.

"You'll resist the hot secretaries in the miniskirts at work that hang around all over you while you're signing forms and asking for messages?"

"Of course, sir."

"Now, understand me, we're talking REALLY hot, Potter! Long, silky blonde hair, blue eyes with that naughty sparkle," his voice grew more and more passionate with each word, "A body to die for, loooong, tan legs-"

"Er...Mr. Evans?" James asked weakly.

Mr. Evans ignored him. "Soft, wet, fiery red lips. Smooth, smooth skin...oh, you want to touch her skin! To feel her next to you! You want to-"

"Mr. Evans!" James cried, panicked.

"Every inch of you, filled with carnal desire!" Mr. Evans continued. "Ooh, you wanna get her out of those skimpy clothes, and you want to-"

"Mr. Evans!"

"Felicia!" he half-shouted, half-growled.

"Er...Mr. Evans!" James had to yell, feeling extremely terrified.

Mr. Evans's eyes shot open, and he studied James for a moment, cheeks bright red. He cleared his throat, then said in an all-business tone, "You'll love her until the end of time?"

He nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Well, then," Mr. Evans said. "You have my permission. Good afternoon."

"Er...bye," James said weakly, then sped out of his study as quickly as he could. Mrs. Evans was sitting in the living room, flipping through a magazine.

"Oh, hello, James, dear!" she said with a smile. "How are you?"

"Just fine, Mrs. Evans," James replied weakly, then hurried upstairs, wondering just how Mrs. Evans would react if she knew about Felicia.

  
  



	10. The Not-So-Perfect Proposal

A/N: Whee! Thank you for all the wonderful reviews...I love you guys! You're the most schnazz, chunk, glacial, groovy, rougilicious people ever! :) :) Hope you enjoy the proposal.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Ten: The Not-So-Perfect Proposal

  
  


The next morning when James woke up and reached blindly to the bedside table to get his glasses, his hands instead fell on something small and velvet. He picked it up to find a black ring box.

Holding his breath nervously, James pulled the box open, then sighed in relief. It held a gold ring, decorated with a large ruby bordered by two smaller diamonds. When he'd asked the Marauders to take care of getting a ring, he'd expected something plastic. Thank God they'd actually taken it seriously.

For once.

Under the ring, James discovered a tiny piece of paper. He unfolded it to find a short note scribbled in Sirius's messy handwriting.

  
  


'Hey Prongs,

I told your mom you were proposing, and she practically had kittens. The ring used to be your great-grandmother's or something like that...your mom seemed absolutely terrified at the prospect of letting me handle it. How insulting!

Good luck, buddy.

-Padfoot'

  
  


James grinned, then stared down at the ring. It would be on Lily's finger soon...by that evening, if all went well.

Of course, that definitely wasn't a sure thing. All going well was about as likely as Severus Snape proclaiming his undying love to Mrs. Norris before becoming a prima ballerina.

  
  


~*~

  
  


A half hour later, James was climbing slowly down the stairs, ring safe in his back pocket. Strained, nervous voices were growing louder with every step, and as James entered the living room, he found Mrs. Evans and Lily. Both looked as though they'd been up for hours, judging by their perfectly groomed appearances and stressed expressions.

"I. Cannot. Believe. This." Mrs. Evans hissed, staring in horror at something she held in her hand. "How could this happen?"

"Mum, try to calm down-"

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!" Mrs. Evans cried. "THIS IS AWFUL! AWFUL!"

James leaned his head to the side to see that Lily's mother held a package of red napkins in her hand. They read, in neat white script, 'Happy 90th Birthday, Lily!'"It's YOUR fault, Lily Marie!" continued Mrs. Evans, positively spitting mad. "YOU ordered them, you must've said the wrong thing!"

"I SAID NINETEENTH, MOTHER!" Lily cried back. "I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NINETEEN AND NINETY!"

"WELL, THEN YOU WEREN'T SPEAKING CLEARLY!" Mrs. Evans yelled. It was strange to see someone who usually seemed so mild-mannered in such a rage.

And over napkins, no less.

"I DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE NAPKINS MOTHER!" Lily screamed. "THEY'RE JUST NAPKINS! WE COULD USE PLAIN ONES! BUT NOOO, THEY HAD TO BE CUSTOM MADE!" 

"Aaaurgh!" Mrs. Evans cried in annoyance and frustration, then turned and stomped out of the room, throwing the napkins at her daughter. 

Lily caught them, then threw them to the ground in anger.

"Er...Lil?" James asked weakly.

"What do you want, James?" 

"Um...I was wondering...uh..."

"Spit it out," she snapped. 

"Willyoumarryme?" James asked the floor, awkwardly dropping to one knee.

"What?!" Lily asked, sounding slightly puzzled and highly annoyed. "James, there's this thing called ENUNCIATING...try it sometime."

"I..." James started nervously. 

'Just say it, you idiot!' a voice in the back of his head exclaimed. 'I love you, Lily. Will you marry me? Is that SO difficult?'

"Er..."

"James, I don't have time for this right now," Lily snapped. "This party is a huge deal, okay? Get back to me when you've regained the ability of speech."

James felt a burst of anger surge through him. This was NOT how he'd imagined this to be...she was supposed to be crying with happiness, not treating him like...Sirius!

"Fine," he spat, standing up. "Fine. Never mind."

"Good," Lily returned coolly.

"Here you go," he said as he made his way towards the stairs, pulling the ring from his back pocket and tossing it over his shoulder. "Will you marry me. There. I said it. Oooh, ahhh. Romance galore."

He was halfway up the stairs when Lily said weakly, "James?"

Spinning around angrily, he asked, "What?!"

"You just asked me to marry you."

He nodded. "Yeah."

James couldn't help but feel a bit less angry as she slipped the ring onto her finger, then stared at it in giddy disbelief.

"Well...?" James asked expectantly.

"Oh, you idiot!" she cried happily, running over to him and throwing her arms around his neck. "Yes!"

"Yes?" James confirmed with a laugh of happiness.

"Yes yes yes yes yes," Lily beamed, pressing her lips to his own.

When they pulled away, James grinned at her.

"Happy birthday."

  
  


~*~

  
  


"I am SO sorry," Sirius apologized promptly to Lily as he stepped out of the fireplace that evening.

"Huh?" Lily asked, tearing her eyes away from her engagement ring. "For what?"

Before Sirius had the chance to reply, a tall, blonde man about their age stepped out of the fireplace. He grinned widely at Lily, doing the seemingly undoable and exposing all of his teeth at once, then gave her a roguish wink.

"That's what," Sirius muttered under his breath.

"Ahh," the blonde with the blinding smile beamed with a chuckle. "I assume you're the birthday girl?"

"Er...yeah, that's me," Lily said weakly as he took her hand in his own and kissed it. 

"Gilderoy Lockhart," he introduced himself with an air of great importance, looking as though he expected her to have heard of him. 

"Lily Evans," she responded awkwardly.

"I'm afraid I didn't get a chance to get you a birthday gift," he said, still smiling in a manner that Lily was beginning to find downright frightening. "But me just being here is enough to give you happiness the whole year round, I'm sure!"

He chuckled in an 'I am so dazzlingly witty that you should just bow down and grovel at my brilliance right now' way, and Lily laughed weakly along. 

"Er...Gildy, buddy," Sirius said. "How about you go ask Mrs. Evans and Petunia if they need any help in the kitchen?"

"Who is this Petunia?" Gilderoy asked.

"Lily's older sister."

"Well, Petunia," Gilderoy grinned, running a hand through his hair in what he obviously thought was a very suave manner, "Today's your lucky day!"

As soon as he'd disappeared into the kitchen, Lily exclaimed, "What the HELL is that and why is it at my HOUSE?"

"Mr. Lockhart is friends with my dad," Sirius said in a manner of extreme disgust. "And he made me drag good ol' Gildy along. He used to be completely hideous...now that he can actually look into a mirror without breaking it, he's officially declared himself God's gift to women."

Lily smirked. "If THAT'S God's gift, the Lord's become quite a cheapskate."

"Try telling GILDEROY that," Sirius groaned.

"Oooh, I will, if he goes and tries to pull that Gomez Addams hand-kissing crap on my again," Lily assured him.

"Gomez?" Sirius asked, confused.

"Oh, never mind," Lily said, rolling her eyes and straightening her hair.

Just then, Gilderoy sauntered back into the room. Luckily, he paused to admire his reflection in the mirror over the fireplace before he could reach Lily, and she ran as quickly as she could to answer the doorbell before she witnessed him kissing the looking glass or something equally narcissistic.

Ding-dong! Ding-dong! Ding-ding-ding-dong!

"Oh, be patient," Lily thought angrily, tucking her hair behind her ears before she swung open the door.

It took all her self-control not to scream in shock, for standing before her was what could only be a life-sized Barbie doll (or possibly the female Gilderoy). Perfectly teased blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a face covered with so much make-up that she made clowns look au natural.

"Li-leee!" they shrieked in absolute joy.

"Er...hi," Lily responded weakly, still trying to figure out who in God's name it could be. If the living doll hadn't called her by name, Lily would have just assumed that she'd taken a wrong turn on her way to a tea party at her princess pink Barbie dream house.

"You look exactly the same!" cried the Barbie.

"You...don't," Lily said, trying desperately to find out who it was.

"Gosh, Lil, it's like you don't even remember me!" the Barbie said with a shrill giggle.

"Of course I do..." Lily racked her brain desperately, trying to remember who it could be. 

"But we haven't seen each other in so long," the Barbie continued wistfully. "It's really a shame...whenever you came home from school for holidays, my parents and I were always in France."

"VIRGINIA?!" Lily gasped.

No way.

No way was that her best friend.

"Well, it's Ginia now," Barbie...Virginia...Ginia said, "Virginia's SO immature."

But of course Barbie isn't, Lily thought, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

It was still hard to believe that THIS was Virginia...but then again, it was entirely possible...they hadn't seen one another since the summer after Lily's fourth year. But could one person change SO much in four years? Virginia had never even PLAYED with dolls, and now she was a living one!

"Er...hi," Lily said awkwardly. "Come on in."

"Here ya go!" Vi...Ginia said with a giggle, shoving a pink gift bag into her hand. Lily stared at the wave of pink in horror for a moment before forcing a smile and setting it down on the gift table.

"Oooh!" Ginia cooed, studying the ring on Lily's finger. "Pretty! Where'd you get it?"

"From my boyfriend...fiancee," Lily corrected herself, feeling a pleased blush come to her cheeks. 

Fiancee.

She could definitely get used to that.

  
  
  
  


A/N 2: Lil's party will continue in chapter 11...I was desperate to post. :) Be ready for disaster to strike in the next installment! 


	11. Disaster Strikes....Again.

A/N: Thank you sooo much for all the reviews *grins* I am eternally grateful.

  
  
  
  


Chapter Eleven: Disaster Strikes...Again

Do you ever GO AWAY?! Lily found herself thinking as Ginia babbled away, oblivious to Lily's annoyance. She forced a smile at something Ginia said, praying for an escape.

Ironically enough, God answered her prayer in the form of Gilderoy (he WAS God's gift, after all), who sauntered into the living room and threw a roguish wink in her direction. Lily waved weakly back, then called, "Hey, Gilderoy, this is Ginia. Ginia, Gilderoy."

Aww, ain't that sweet? Lily thought as the two eyed each other in unmasked interest. Barbie and Ken are united!

Gilderoy came up, running a hand suavely through his hair, and planted a kiss on Ginia's hand. She giggled shrilly.

With a charming chuckle, Gilderoy proclaimed, "I haven't seen anything so beautiful since I last stumbled across a mirror!"

Ginia giggled again, and Lily resisted the urge to gag.

"I'll just leave you two alone," she muttered, slipping past them.

"I CANNOT believe that girl used to be my best friend," she proclaimed as she joined the Marauders and Crystal where they stood around the punch bowl. "She looks like a younger Joan Rivers. Only more fake."

"Joan Rivers?" James asked.

"You don't want to know," Lily assured him. "And-"

"Li-leee!" Mrs. Evans's voice cut her off. "There are more guests here! Answer the door, please!"

Lily rolled her eyes before calling back dutifully, "Yes, Mum!"

Sirius, who was eyeing one of the napkins and chuckling in amusement, gave her a wink as she passed by him and, with an appreciative wolf whistle, announced, "You're lookin' pretty good for ninety, Lil."

"Oh, shut up," she called over her shoulder before pasting a wide smile on her face and swinging open the door.

A gasp of horror threatened to escape her lips, and she only barely held it back.

There, in all their blonde-and-plastic glory, stood the Material Girls. Material Girl #1 giggled shrilly while #2 twirled a strand of golden hair around her finger.

"Erm..." Lily said intelligently.

"Hi!" Material Girl #1, who was dressed in so much hot pink that it was positively painful to stare directly at her, giggled. "You must be Lily! Happy birth-DAY!"

"Um...do I know you?" Lily asked weakly.

"You mean you don't remember us from Disco Jack's?" Material Girl #2 asked with an insulted gasp. 

Unfortunately, Lily thought bitterly to herself. 

"Er...yeah," she responded. "I do now. But...why are you here?"

"We're Ginia's friends!" #1 giggled. "Your mum told Ginia she could bring some friends along!"

"Great," Lily said, her smile becoming rather fixed. "Er...come on in."

The Material Girls followed her inside, and Remus's eyes immediately bulged twice their size when he saw them.

Uh oh, Lily thought weakly.

"Omigod!" #1 shrieked.

"Omigod omigod omigod!" #2 added. 

"It's HIM!" the two cried in delighted unison.

"Oh dear," Lily murmured as she watched Remus hide behind Crystal. This didn't do him much good, seeing as he was quite a few inches taller than her.

"Somethin' Stupid guy!" #1 screeched, positively running over to Remus. #2 followed suit.

"Who is totally not stupid," added #2, just for good measure.

"Save. Me." Remus pleaded meekly, then broke into a full-out run as the Material Girls began to chase him. He fled into Mr. Evans's study, the two girls speeding after him as fast as you could possibly go in three-inch stick heels.

"Hey, get away from him!" Crystal cried indignantly. "He's not available!"

As amazingly shocking as it was, this had absolutely no affect on the Material Girls whatsoever. The door to Mr. Evans's study slammed shut, and a sickening click announced a fate worse than death for poor Remus.

The door was broken...Mr. Evans had been meaning to get the lock fixed, but he hadn't. So, just Remus's luck, whenever you attempted to use the lock, you were locked in.

"Save meee!" he repeated miserably.

Muttering angrily under her breath, Crystal stomped over to the door and began to bang on it.

"Ohh, Somethin' Stupid guy!" giggled one of the Material Girls. "You're so...dreamy!"

The other one giggled appreciatively.

"Oh no," Lily mumbled. 

"Never fear!" Sirius cried gallantly. "I will save you, Moony!"

"Er...Sirius, bud," James said gingerly, "That might not be the best idea."

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, waving his arms around wildly with flourish. "I am great! I am spectacular! I'm ALMOST as good as our friend Gildy here!"

Gilderoy stopped studying himself in the mirror above the fireplace long enough to throw Sirius a wink and respond roguishly, "Almost."

"As a matter of fact, I am...whoops."

Sirius's windmill-arms hit the bookshelf and caused it to topple over. Raven, who had been napping at the top of the bookshelf, yowled in shock and went flying through the air like a SuperCat, then landed with a loud SPLASH into the bowl of shockingly orange punch.

The punch splattered all over Ginia, who had the marvelous luck of being the one who'd been walking by at that moment. She let out a shriek of absolute horror.

"Classic Sirius," James muttered to Lily.

"No one can make a better mess," Lily agreed dryly.

"Oh...my...GOD!" Ginia fumed. "Oh...my...GOD!!!!!"

"Care to elaborate?" Sirius asked sweetly.

"Y...YOU!" she roared, sounding less Barbie and more Marilyn Manson with every stammered word. Lily halfway expected her eyes to turn red at any given moment. "HOW DARE YOU!?!?!"

"Erm...whoops?" Sirius said weakly.

"You RUINED my sweater!" she cried, positively shaking with rage. "RUINED it! How COULD you?!" 

"Well, it's all quite simple, actually," Sirius responded calmly. "All I did was wave my arms around, which knocked over the bookshelf, which frightened the cat, which-"

"I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, YOU IDIOT!" Ginia shouted, practically in tears. "IT RUINED MY SWEATER!"

"So we've heard," Sirius drawled.

"I'm LEAVING!" Ginia cried. "COME ON, GIRLS!"

However, the only reply she got from her trusty Material Girls was an explosion of giggling.

"Fine," Ginia pouted, turning around and stomping out of the house.

"Oh," Lockhart said stupidly, tearing his eyes reluctantly from his own reflection and studying the room blankly. "Is the party over, then?"

~*~

  
  


"What did you need to talk to me about, Mr. Evans?" James asked nervously as Lily's father led him into the kitchen. The last of the guests had cleared out, leaving only Lily and her mother, who were desperately trying to figure out how to free Remus from Mr. Evans's study (and from the Material Girls). 

"James," Mr. Evans said with a heavy sigh. 

James could only expect the worst.

"What?" he asked nervously.

"I don't want you marrying my daughter."

The seven words hurt James more than any wound could ever affect him. He felt as though he'd just been slapped-or worse, had to listen to Sirius sing his beloved Physical for hours on end.

"W...what?" James stammered.

"I don't want my daughter to be around those friends of yours anymore," Mr. Evans said gruffly. "You're bad enough, son, but those boys...?" He shook his head. "No way am I letting Lily be associated with them."

"But..." James couldn't believe this. Was this even LEGAL?!

"Listen," Mr. Evans said. "Being the kind soul that I am-"

James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Oh yes, Mr. Evans was incredibly kind...when compared to You-Know-Who, anyway.

"-I have a little proposition for you."

James didn't like the glint in Lily's dad's eye...he had a feeling that this proposition wasn't going to be good.

But he wouldn't give Lily up that easily.

"What is it?" he asked with a groan.

"If you give up your friends, I'll let you marry Lily."

"What?!" James exploded. "Give up my FRIENDS? You mean just...stop talking to them?!"

"Stop talking to them, stop associating with them all together," Mr. Evans said with a nod, as though this was the most normal thing in the world. 

"You don't understand!" James exclaimed. "These guys have been my friends for at least the past seven years...Sirius has been my best friend since I was born!"

"Tough," Mr. Evans grunted. "Give up your friends or give up Lily."

"Give UP Lily?!" James asked incredulously. "A minute ago, you just said we couldn't get married!"

"That was a minute ago," Mr. Evans said with a rather evil grin. "So, Potter, what will it be? Your friends...or my daughter?"

  
  
  
  


A/N 2: The plot thickens. *dun dun DUN*


	12. The Lovers Escape

A/N: Whoo! Here it is, finally. I'm home sick, so I decided I should get this chapter up for you guys...it's the least I can do. Thank you for all the marvelous reviews. They really do brighten my day :)

  
  


Disclaimer: 'Leaving On A Jet Plane' belongs to John Denver, I believe.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter Twelve: The Lovers Escape

  
  


"What the HELL are you talking about?"

Lily's voice cut through the intense silence like a knife, and as she stomped into the kitchen, her cheeks were flushed in fury.

"Lily Evans, don't you dare speak to your father like that!" Mr. Evans thundered. "I-"

"I can talk to you however the hell I want!" Lily yelled, her eyes flashing dangerously. "You're telling my fiancee that he has to give up his friends in order to be with me!"

"How dare you eavesdrop?"

"How dare you try to control my life!?" Lily retorted passionately. "I'm not a little girl anymore, Dad. Face it!"

"You ARE a little girl, and you're MY little girl!" Mr. Evans shouted. "And as long as you're staying under my roof, you will marry whoever I choose!"

"Well, then, I'm not going to be under this roof much longer!" Lily declared, grabbing James's hand in her own and dragging him out of the kitchen without another word.

"Er, Lil," James asked after he'd followed her up the stairs and into her room, and she'd begun to gather things from her dresser, "Where, exactly, are we going?"

"Anywhere," Lily responded angrily. "As long as it's away from HIM."

"Well, that really narrows it down," James deadpanned.

"Shut up," Lily commanded, tossing all of her things into a duffel bag and slinging it over her shoulder.

"We could go to my house," James suggested.

"Your house?" Lily asked skeptically. "I think I'd get lost at your 'house'. If you want to call it a house...after all, my house is a house and you could fit about twelve of my house into your house!"

"Do you think you could possibly use the word 'house' any more?" James asked dryly.

"That's besides the point," Lily declared. "The point is your house is a MANSION. Your parents are RICH. How the heck am I supposed to know how to behave around them?"

"My house is a HOUSE," James retorted. "My parents are PEOPLE! Just PEOPLE, Lily."

"Yeah, just people," Lily scoffed. "Just really rich, cultured people. But people nonetheless!"

"You are SO annoying," James proclaimed. "You've MET my parents before."

"For about two minutes!"

"They like you!"

"They don't KNOW me!"

"They WILL like you once they get to know you, then," James said crossly. "The point is, that's the only place we have to go. Would you rather stay here?"

Lily shoved her dresser drawer shut with flourish.

"Good point."

  
  


~*~

  
  


"Jaaaames!"

"Muuuum," James responded with a smile, allowing his mother to throw her arms around him and cover his cheeks with kisses.

Mrs. Potter pulled away after a moment, and then her eyes fell upon Lily.

"Lillyyyyy!" she squealed in absolute delight, engulfing her in a huge hug. 

James couldn't resist but send her a 'I told you so' grin. Lily rolled her eyes at him in reply, but a huge smile was dancing across her face. Mrs. Potter pulled away from Lily, then asked, positively beaming, why they'd come crawling out of the fireplace without sending an owl to tell they'd be visiting first.

"Well," James said, a bit awkwardly, "It was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment thing. We just...uh...Lily?"

Lily, however, didn't seem to want to help explain. James doubted she could even hear his voice. Instead, she was staring in awe around the room, which had lots of fancy paintings, expensive sculptures, and a fountain spurting pink water in the middle. Spiral staircases could be found at each corner of the huge room.

Having grown up there, James didn't even give it a thought, but he realized where Lily's sense of absolute awe was coming from. 

He could still remember perfectly the first time Sirius had come over and announced, rubbing his hands together deviously, "Look at all the expensive breakable stuff! Oh, the possibilities."

"Oh, never mind the reason," Mrs. Potter said cheerily. "I'm just glad to have my baby boy back! And with his new fiancee, as well! Sirius and the boys told me all about it, and I'm so happy for you two!"

"Thanks," James said, then studied Lily with a laugh. She was still enchanted by the house, and seemingly not aware of anything going on around her.

"So," Mrs. Potter smiled, "When's the wedding going to be?"

"Er..." James muttered, "That's where the problem is. You see, Mr. Evans doesn't exactly want there to BE a wedding."

"Why ever not?" Mrs. Potter asked in confusion.

"Er..." James was starting to worry about his mesmerized fiancee. "I'll tell you later. Right now I'm gonna show Lil around."

"All right, darling," Mrs. Potter pecked her son on the cheek, then left the room humming.

"Lily..." James waved his hand impatiently in front of her face.

"James," she said, sounding a bit dazed, "You never told me you lived in a PALACE."

"That's because I DON'T," James responded. "It's a MANSION."

"It's a palace," Lily repeated firmly, still looking around with a dreamy expression on her face.

"Lil, this is one room," James laughed. "I'm not sure I want to see how you'll react to the rest of the house."

"You mean this isn't the whole house?" Lily asked dumbly.

"No, Lily," James said patiently, "This is not the whole house. This is one of the SMALLER rooms in the house."

"One of the SMALLER rooms?" Lily repeated in shock. "You have to be joking."

James shook his head, then offered his arm gallantly. "Shall I show you more, my lady?"

Lily smiled, slipping her arm through his. "But of course, good sir."

  
  


~*~

  
  


"How could you do that, Frank?" Mrs. Evans asked angrily as she stomped into her bedroom. Mr. Evans sat on the bed, reading something. As soon as he heard her voice, he immediately jumped up and shoved the book under a pillow.

"Do what?" he asked innocently.

"How could you tell James to choose between Lily and her friends?" Mrs. Evans asked. "You're never like this with Petunia's boyfriends...you're never like this at all!"

"Er...I..."

"What are you hiding under your pillow, Frank?" Mrs. Evans asked in her best don't-mess-with-me tone.

"Uh...nothing, dear."

"Don't you 'nothing dear' me, Frank! What are you reading? The 'How To Torture Your Daughter and Her Boyfriend' manual?"

Mr. Evans looked a bit sheepish, and didn't reply.

"You're JOKING," Mrs. Evans groaned in disbelief, practically running over to the bed and snatching the book out from under it. The cover proclaimed, in huge red letters, '50 Steps For Fathers To Get Rid of Their Daughters' Troublesome Boyfriends'.

"Oh my GOD, Frank."

"There was something wrong with that one!" Mr. Evans protested desperately. "I knew it the second Lily started ranting about him after her fourth year! Maybe he used a love spell on her-that must be it! Our Lily is so sensible, she would NEVER act like that on her own free will-"

"She's in LOVE, Frank," Mrs. Evans said dryly. "Get over it. You don't have to protect her anymore-James is a nice boy."

Groaning again, she flipped open the book to a random page and read aloud.

"Step 25: The Realization Step. Remind the boy firmly that marriage is forever. Try to make it sound as dismal as possible. It helps to throw in the suspicion that you yourself have been unfaithful to your own wife. Secretaries are always good candidates for affairs. Make sure to mention to the boy that they are blonde with perfect figures. Names like Anita and Felicia work nicely."

Breathing heavily, Mrs. Evans looked up in fury at her husband, who was cowering in the corner. 

With a forced smile, Mrs. Evans asked through her teeth, "Did you tell..."-she took a step closer- "Lily's boyfriend..." -another step- "That you were having..." -to her satisfaction, her husband looked downright terrified- "AN AFFAIR WITH A SECRETARY NAMED ANITA?!?!?"

Mr. Evans took many steps backwards before informing her meekly, "I actually chose the name Felicia. That one has a nicer ring to it, don't you think? Remember when we considered naming Petunia Felicia? We-"

"Shut UP, Frank," Mrs. Evans ordered, her eyes flashing dangerously. "You wouldn't want to dig this hole any deeper, now, would you?"

"No," Mr. Evans squeaked.

A huge false smile danced across her face. "Good. Now, let's read some more, shall we?"

"No, sweetie, really, that's not necessary-"

"Did I SAY you had permission to TALK, Frank?" Mrs. Evans snapped before flipping a few pages back. She cleared her throat, then read, "'Step 37: The Choosing Process'. Ask the boy to choose between your daughter and something he cares about, such as television or PIZZA."

Mrs. Evans slammed the book so hard that it caused her husband to jump about eight feet into the air. 

"Television or PIZZA, Frank! Not his FRIENDS or LILY!"

"He's probably scared of the television, seeing how he reacted to the phone!" Mr. Evans defended himself. "And do wizards even EAT pizza?!"

"Sometimes I wonder why I married you, Frank," Mrs. Evans announced in disgust. 

"Because you love me dear," Mr. Evans reminded her weakly. "And marriage is all about forgiveness! Forgive and forget! Find th-"

"Grab a blanket and a pillow," she ordered.

"What?! Why?"

"You're sleeping on the couch," Mrs. Evans announced, shoving a pillow into his arms. "Have fun."

"Dear, you're being ridiculous-"

"Good night, DARLING," Mrs. Evans cut him off. "Now, I have to go get Lily to unlock her door and see if I can talk to her." She looked down at the book in her hands, then tossed it in the direction of her husband, causing him to leap into the air again. 

"By the way, SWEETHEART, I suggest you throw this away," she said with a saccharine smile before turning to leave a whimpering Mr. Evans behind her.

  
  


~*~

  
  


"Lily, Lily, Lily," Petunia muttered bitterly under her breath, ignoring how much she sounded like Jan from the Brady Bunch. 

All her parents cared about was her sister, for God's sake! Had Mr. Evans ever tried to harass one of Petunia's boyfriends out of love for his daughter?

"I think NOT," Petunia snapped to herself, stomping towards Lily's room. Oh, she'd give her a piece of her mind! Their parents had gotten into a HUGE argument, all because of her. 

My sister is a home wrecker, Petunia thought dramatically.

However, as soon as she stepped into the room, she discovered that the little home wrecking witch wasn't even there. Moaning angrily, Petunia was about to turn and leave when something on Lily's bed caught her eye. It was a messily scribbled note.

Petunia lifted it from the bed and read.

'Mum,

James and I left to the Potters' house. Please don't worry-we should be back soon. We just need to get away from Dad for a bit.

I love you.

-Lil'

"Aww, ain't that sweet?" Petunia snarled. "She left Mumsy a note."

Rolling her eyes, Petunia crumpled it up into a tiny ball and tossed it into Lily's wastebasket. Let her parents worry. Let them worry about their precious Lily.

Right now, PETUNIA had to get some beauty sleep. After all, she was meeting Vernon for breakfast in the morning. She didn't have time to bother with her sister.

  
  


~*~

  
  


"And here, Mademoiselle, we have the grand ballroom," James announced, waving his arm with flourish.

A gasp escaped Lily's lips, and her brilliant green eyes immediately flew back and forth as if trying to drink up the sight at once. "James," she breathed, "This is amazing..."

James stared up at the ceiling, which was currently a soft, smooth ebony. Shimmering stars that reminded him of diamonds twinkled, occasionally shooting to opposite ends of the ceiling.

"Is it bewitched like the one at Hogwarts?" Lily asked softly.

"Sort of," James said, "But not as complex. It's just like this at night, and during the day it's sunny."

"It's amazing," Lily repeated, staring intently upwards. "Now I really have a reason to marry you, Mr. Potter. I never thought you were THIS rich."

"Gold digger," James accused teasingly, shrugging an arm over her shoulders.

Lily shook her head, then said deviously, "Black widow."

James immediately removed his arm, backing away from her in mock terror.

"Have mercy!" he pleaded. "Stay away from me! Don't suck me in with your siren songs! If you do, I'll be lost forever to your greatness!"

A devilish grin spread across Lily's beautiful face, and she began to sing softly, "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go."

"Nooo!" James cried teasingly, covering his ears with his hands.

Her voice growing louder, she continued, "I'm standing here outside your door. I hate to wake you up to say good bye!"

"I can't resist!" James proclaimed, smiling as he made his way over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist.

Lily planted a kiss on his cheek and slung her arms around his shoulders before continuing, "But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn...the taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn. Already I'm so lonesome I could die."

They began to sway slowly back and forth as the two sang in unison (James sounding quite terrible when combined with Lily's perfect soprano), "So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me, hold me like you'll never let me go...'cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again..."

"Oh babe, I hate to go," Lily finished, kissing his lips lightly before proclaiming lazily, "Sweetie, you really are an awful singer."

James gasped in mock offense. "How could you say that? I learn all your Muggle songs just for little duets like these, and then you insult my talent!"

"Baby, you don't have any talent," Lily reminded him, resting her head on his chest.

"I don't know why I love you so much," James pouted.

"Because I'm wonderful," Lily reminded him.

"If you say so," James smiled, then began to warble horribly again. "So kiss me and smile for me...tell me that you'll wait for me..."

Lily looked up at him, rolled her eyes, and smiled. 

"I love you, James," she murmured softly.

He smiled. "I love you too, Lil."

  
  


~*~

  
  


"I can't believe she'd just LEAVE like that!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed, trying severely hard not to panic. "Without a note or anything!"

"Calm down," Mr. Evans instructed, rubbing her back lightly. "It's okay...breathe in, breathe out, breathe in-"

"If you want to KEEP breathing, Frank, you'll SHUT UP!" Mrs. Evans said dangerously. Immediately Mr. Evans backed away.

"Petunia," Mrs. Evans said sternly, "Are you SURE she didn't tell you anything? Are you sure you didn't see a note?"

"Positive," Petunia responded airily, studying her fingernails with utmost interest.

"They probably went somewhere in the wizarding world," Mrs. Evans said. "Diagon Alley...some place like that."

"Too bad we can't get there," Petunia said tonelessly. "We're not magic, and we don't know any magic people that can get us in. Shucks."

"Must you be so sarcastic, young lady?" Mr. Evans chipped in.

"Shut up, both of you," Mrs. Evans ordered, taking another sip of her coffee and trying to breathe in and out without looking like she was. No way was she going to give Frank the satisfaction of knowing that she was using his advice. "Um...is there really no one? No one at all? I mean-"

A sing-songy voice positively dripping with mischief rang out from the living room and filled all of their ears.

"Ja-ames? Oh Jamesie? Ya here?" the too-familiar tone of Sirius called.

Mrs. Evans looked up from her coffee to meet her husband's eyes, and in unison, looked slowly over in the direction of the living room.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Mrs. Evans asked softly.

Her husband nodded. "Oh yeah, baby."


	13. The Dress

A/N: Thank you, my darlings, for the wonderful reviews. I'm sorry that this chapter is short, but I felt awful for making you wait so long as it is...I know this is majorly lacking in humor right now, but I'm going to try to make it funnier in the next few chapters. :)

  
  


Chapter 13: The Dress

  
  


"Sirius, dear?" Mrs. Evans asked as she made her way into the living room, her husband right behind her.

"At your service," Sirius responded with a cheeky grin. "How may I help you, madame?"

"Well," Mrs. Evans said, "You see...James and Lily are kind of...gone."

"Gone?" Sirius repeated, sounding a bit confused.

"Well, yes-"

Mrs. Evans's explanation was cut short by a shallow, horrified gasp from Sirius.

"GONE!?" Sirius repeated in a tone of utmost tragedy, lifting his hand to his forehead and staggering dramatically towards the sofa. "GONE?! Lily and James...GONE?!"

"Yes, gone," Mrs. Evans said impatiently. "Now, Sirius, we need you to-"

"I don't think I can carry on anymore!" Sirius announced, falling to the sofa and practically knocking it over in the process. In a faint, raspy whisper, he said, "Please...tell Petunia...how much I love her...JUST KIDDING!"

And with that, he sprang off of the couch, healthy as could be.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans exchanged exasperated expressions.

"Are you sure we should ask him to do this?" Mr. Evans muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"What other option do we have?" Mrs. Evans responded through her fake smile. She then focused her attention on Sirius once more. "Now, dear, we have something that we need you to do-"

"Sirius Black at your service, sir! Er...ma'am," Sirius cut off, bringing his hand to his forehead in a choppy salute.

"We're going to regret this," Mr. Evans announced in a sing-songy voice from behind his wife's back. She ignored him.

"What we need you to do, Sirius," Mrs. Evans said, sitting down onto the sofa and beckoning for him to do the same, "Is go find Lily and James, who are probably somewhere in the wizarding world, and convince them to come back home."

Sirius raised a skeptical eyebrow at her. "And this is supposed to be difficult?"

"Well," Mrs. Evans said uneasily, "They may be a bit...reluctant to come home. My husband-" she shot a dirty look in Mr. Evans's direction, "-hasn't been the nicest to James, and he did something to make Lily a bit angry."

"When you say a bit angry, do you mean a bit angry or positively-red-eyed-be-afraid-and-run-for-your-lives-for-the-love-of-God-and-all-things-holy angry?"

"Er...answer B," Mrs. Evans responded. "Now, Sirius, you have to be serious. PLEASE talk them into coming home..."

Sirius, who had been cackling rather wickedly and rubbing his hands together in devious glee, stopped short. With a look of pure and utter innocence, he responded sweetly, "Of course, Mrs. Evans."

"You're asking for it," Mr. Evans informed his wife in a low whisper. "You're asking for it. And you're going to get it too, ya know that? This kid is DANGEROUS. He's-"

"Shut. Up," Mrs. Evans ordered dangerously. Immediately Mr. Evans shut his mouth. "Now, Sirius, are you sure that you can handle this alone? Maybe we should go with you..."

Sirius's angelic smile turned for a split-second into one that could rival one of Satan's evil grins.

"Of course," Sirius said sweetly. "There is nothing that I'd like to do more."

"We're dead," Mr. Evans announced grimly. "Dead."

  
  


~*~

Lily awoke to the ever-peaceful sound of birds singing cheerfully outside her window the next morning. She climbed out of her canopy bed (which probably cost more than her entire house), stretched, and stared around the guest bedroom once more in awe.

Why was it that James had this much money, and yet for the past four birthdays she'd had he'd given her FLOWERS or something equally inexpensive?

"Cheapskate," Lily mumbled under her breath as she made her way over towards the full-length mirror to check her reflection. With her messy hair and eyes framed by dark circles, she didn't match the extravagantly decorated bedroom at all.

A soft knock sounded on the door, and Lily slowly made her way over to answer it. Mrs. Potter stood outside her doorway, a smile on her face and something white and satin in her arms.

"Good morning, dear!" James's mother greeted her with a pleasant smile. 

"Morning," Lily responded, grinning in return. 

"Now, dear, I brought you this...perhaps you could try it on."

And with that, Mrs. Potter shook out the garment that had been hanging over her arm to display the most beautiful wedding dress Lily had ever seen. It was the exact shade of freshly fallen snow, and the fabric was so smooth that it practically seemed to sparkle. On closer inspection, Lily discovered that it did-most likely some sort of charm.

"It's beautiful," Lily breathed, gingerly touching the fabric.

"It was mine," Mrs. Potter smiled. "Though I'm sure it will look much more stunning on you, dear."

Lily couldn't bring herself to accept the dress-it seemed much too beautiful to be held by anyone.

"Go ahead, take it," Mrs. Potter said warmly. "Try it on, dear." 

Lily accepted the dress, and with a final smile, Mrs. Potter turned and left the room. Sighing, she slipped out of her nightdress and pulled the wedding gown on. After zipping up the back, she gingerly made her way over to the mirror, wondering how foolish someone as plain as her would look in a dress so beautiful.

But to her surprise, the dress actually looked all right on her. It fit perfectly, and just seeing herself in something so beautiful seemed to give her enough confidence to grow more lovely herself. 

She heard someone knock on the door, and before she could call to let them in, the door swung open.

"Lily?" James called tentatively.

Lily turned around to see him standing in the doorway, staring at her in absolute awe.

"Hey, sweetie," she greeted him. "You like it?"

"Y...you could say that," James stammered, his cheeks flushing adorably. "You look....amazing."

"Well, you think it's wedding-dress-worthy?"

James's cheeks turned even redder, and he nodded. "Definitely."

"Then get out," Lily snapped playfully. "Isn't it bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the wedding?"

"That's if the wedding is soon, I believe," James responded cheerfully. "But if you insist."

"I do," Lily said teasingly. "I think I'm going to be the cruel girlfriend I'm not and not let you see me any longer so you'll only have the briefest of memories of my beauty until our wedding."

"Sounds super," James drawled sarcastically. "I'll just go, then. It's obvious I'm not wanted here."

"Are you wanted anywhere?" Lily called after him laughingly as he shut the door. 

"And everywhere, my darling!" his muffled tone called poetically.

Rolling her eyes, Lily turned back and inspected her reflection once more. It was strange, the thought that this is how the fabric would feel against her skin, this is how her complexion would contrast with her gown on the day when she would become Mrs. James Potter. 

Strange, yes, and a bit nerve-wracking, but at the same time, it gave Lily a strong sense of confidence.

She and James belonged together. 


	14. Guacamole Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

A/N: I'm baaaaack! *mwahaha* But alas, this chapter ain't all that great...but it's been practically a month, and I didn't want to deprive you guys of this excellent (coughcough) story any longer. ;) Hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 14: Guacamole Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

"You know, I really was positive they'd be here," Sirius proclaimed lazily as he finished his thirteenth ice cream cone, purchased ever so generously by Mr. Evans. "Lily loves Fortescue's."

"Well, obviously they're not," Mr. Evans snapped. "So let's LEAVE!"

"But I haven't tried the guacamole chocolate chip ice cream yet!" Sirius protested desperately. 

"You'll have to live without it," Mr. Evans declared, grabbing Sirius by the arm and attempting to pull him out of his seat. 

"You know," Sirius said, yanking his arm out of Mr. Evans's grasp, "I might just mysteriously...forget the other places that your daughter likes to hang out if you don't get me that ice cream cone."

Mr. Evans narrowed his eyes dangerously at Sirius.

"You make me _sick_," he declared, dragging out the last word as he stared at him through tiny slits of fury.

"The memories!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically. "The memories...seeping out of my mind...quickly...quickly...like sand through my fingertips-"

"Oh, just by him the damn ice cream cone, Frank!" Mrs. Evans snapped furiously. "What's important is finding Lily and James!"

"I'm not wasting any more of this wizard money on nutso here!" Mr. Evans jabbed his elbow into Sirius's side.

"Hey!" Sirius squeaked indignantly. "That wasn't very nice!"

"Bite me, buster," Mr. Evans growled.

"Screw you, slimeball," Sirius retorted evenly.

"Fu-"

"FRANK!" Mrs. Evans shouted so loudly that it caused the couple sitting at the table next to them to jump about eight feet into the air.

"He started it," Mr. Evans declared, glaring at Sirius.

"Leave the poor boy alone, Frank, he's only eighteen," Mrs. Evans scolded. "Now, give me some money and _I'll _go buy him the ice cream cone."

Muttering dangerously under his breath, Mr. Evans shoved the money into his wife's hand. As soon as she turned her back, Sirius stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes, then proceeded to mouth exaggeratedly, "Your wife likes me better! Your wife likes me better!"

Mr. Evans responded by making some not so mature forty year old man-like finger gestures at his tormentor.

Luckily enough, Mrs. Evans had chosen that moment to turn around.

"FRANK!" she screeched. 

"We're leaving!" the woman sitting at the table next to them announced to her husband, grabbing his arm and practically running from the ice cream parlor.

Positively seething, Mrs. Evans stomped towards him, armed with Sirius's guacamole chocolate chip ice cream cone. 

Waving the ice cream at him violently, she proclaimed, "_You _are sleeping on the couch every day for the rest of your _life_, mister!"

Mr. Evans opened his mouth to protest, only to have the most horrible sensation he'd ever tasted enter it as his wife shoved the ice cream cone into his mouth.

"Enjoy, darling," she snapped sarcastically, then turned to Sirius with a sugary sweet smile. 

"I'm sorry about your ice cream cone, dear," she said pleasantly. "Would you like another?"

Sirius shook his head politely. "No thank you, Mrs. Evans. In my opinion, anyone who eats guacamole chocolate chip ice cream really must be insane."

He stared pointedly at Mr. Evans, who was stumbling around, clutching his head in pain.

"Brain...freeze..." he stammered weakly before collapsing into the table (doing so with style and knocking a few chairs over during the process).

"Oh, toughen up, soldier," Mrs. Evans ordered, then accepted Sirius's offered arm and walked daintily out of Fortescue's.

~*~

"Ahhh, The Three Broomsticks," Sirius said with a blissful sigh as they entered the popular Hogsmeade pub. 

"Oh, it's so charming!" Mrs. Evans proclaimed with a merry smile. She turned to her husband, eyes sparkling with malice. "Isn't it charming, Frank?"

"Charming," Mr. Evans repeated obediently.

"Good boy," Mrs. Evans said. "Now, Sirius, do you think that they'll be somewhere in Hogsmeade?"

"I'd bet your husband on it," Sirius responded promptly.

"I'd bet my husband on the fact that the moon was made of purple cheese," Mrs. Evans responded dryly.

"Hey!"

"Did I give you permission to speak, _dear_?" Mrs. Evans turned back to Sirius, sweet smile fully in place. "Now, Sirius, where does Lily like to go?"

"She's always loved the candy shop, Honeydukes," Sirius responded, his tone infuriatingly angelic. "And Quality Quidditch Supplies...and then there's always Hogwarts."

"Hogwarts?" Mrs. Evans asked interestedly. "That's around here?"

"A short walk's distance, my dear Mrs. Evans," Sirius grinned. "We'll be able to check there."

"You're such a sweet boy," Mrs. Evans proclaimed, then turned to her husband. "Isn't he a sweet boy, Frank?"

Mr. Evans stared at her pleadingly. "Don't make me say it."

"Isn't he a _sweet boy_, Frank??"

"Honey, please-"

"Say it, Frank," Mrs. Evans hissed dangerously.

"I'd rather _die_!" Mr. Evans announced firmly.

"That can be arranged!" Sirius piped up, perfectly cheerful.

This was apparently too much for Mr. Evans, who let out a strangled sort of scream and lunged himself at Sirius. Sirius, however, ducked out of his way easily, causing Mr. Evans to slam face-first into the hard floor.

Mrs. Evans and Sirius stared down at him, expressions of mild interest on their faces.

"All right there, Mr. Evans?"

"You are the _devil_, boy!"

"Frank!"

"It's true! Can't you see what he's doing to me?"

"Oh, get off the floor, Frank," Mrs. Evans ordered. "You're making a scene."

"Making a scene?" Mr. Evans shouted in fury. "_I'm _making a scene??!!"

Sirius studied the curious faces studying them, then confirmed, "Yup, you're making a scene all right."

Groaning, Mr. Evans rolled over onto his back and stared up at his wife.

"Say, Mr. Evans," Sirius said sweetly, "How would you feel about buying me a butterbeer?"

"Are you out of your mind?! I wouldn't buy you a-"

"Of course he'd love to, Sirius darling," Mrs. Evans interrupted, then stared menacingly down at her husband. "_Right_, Frank??"

Wondering vaguely what he'd done to deserve this, Mr. Evans moaned the only possible answer.

"Right."

~*~

"_This_ is where you've been going to school for the past seven years?" Mrs. Evans asked, staring up in distaste at the shabby, falling apart old wreck of a house before her. A fading 'Caution: Do Not Enter' sign was hanging sideways from a single nail.

"Hoggy warty Hogwarts!" Sirius confirmed brightly.

"It's...not what I imagined," Mrs. Evans said delicately.

Sirius stared up at the grand castle in confusion, then back at Mrs. Evans. "What were you expecting?"

"Oh, I don't know," Mrs. Evans resisted the urge to wrinkle her nose in distaste at the falling apart mansion. "A...castle of some sort, I suppose."

Briefly questioning Mrs. Evans's sanity, Sirius gestured weakly towards Hogwarts school. "Well...that would be a castle."

"I've...never heard of this kind of castle before," Mrs. Evans said weakly, wondering how the wretched cesspool hadn't collapsed right over all the poor students' heads.

"Really?" Sirius asked, wondering just what strange race of human-like mammals Lily had descended from. "That's kind of the...classic castle, right there."

"I wouldn't really...describe it that way," Mrs. Evans said with a forced chuckle. 

"Well...there's no other way to describe it."

"I really would think that it would be more...i-"

"Oh, for the love of God!" Mr. Evans shouted from where he stood behind them. "_Figure it out already_! It's become quite clear that Sirius is seeing the actual Hogwarts, while you, my dear, are seeing some sort of spell cast on the school so that non-magical folks such as ourselves cannot see it! IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT??!!"

His enraged voice echoed through all three pairs of ears for a few moments, the only soft noise in the otherwise awkward silence. Finally, Mrs. Evans spoke up, annoyed.

"Are you done yet?"

"One more thing."

"What?" Mrs. Evans sighed in exasperation.

"STOP. TALKING. IN. PAUSES," commanded Mr. Evans, then mimicked in a foolishly deep voice, "This is...one great castle." His tone switched to a breathy falsetto. "Actually...it's rather hideous." His macho-man voice resumed. "Actually, my _dear_...Mrs. Evans-"

"We get the picture, Frank!" snapped Mrs. Evans. "Thank you. Point proven. And did you have permission to speak in the first place??"

Mr. Evans fixed his mouth into a pout and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"That's better," announced Mrs. Evans. "Now, Sirius, why don't you lead us into this school?"

"It would be my pleasure," Sirius responded, stepping forward and swinging open one of the a) grand or b) falling apart doors. As soon as he had done so, a gasp of horror escaped his lips.

**CAUTION: YOU MAY NOT WANT TO CONTINUE READING. THIS IS EXTREMELY DISTURBING, AND THE AUTHOR ASKS FOR YOUR UTMOST FORGIVENESS FOR EVEN SUGGESTING SUCH THINGS.**

...You're going to keep reading, aren't you?

Fine then. You asked for it.

"Oh, Albus!"

"Minerva!"

"Al-"

"Holy _shit_!" Sirius screeched. "For the love of _God_!"

In a split-second, the two professors pulled apart at once, and a madly blushing Professor McGonagall attempted desperately to straighten her hair, which for once (quite disturbingly) wasn't put up in its usual tight bun. Dumbledore, on the other hand, looked vaguely amused.

"Mr. Black!" McGonagall exclaimed. "What are you doing here? School is over!"

Mouth still hanging open in utter revulsion, Sirius responded, "But that certainly _does not mean_ that it's time to get hot and heavy with the headmaster!" 

"Mr. BLACK-"

"I, Professor McGonagall, have experienced some extremely disturbing things in my lifetime: James attempting to sing, Peter with an extra cursed-on tongue, pre-makeover Gilderoy Lockhart....but NEVER, EVER in my life have I seen anything as revolting as two _old_ people trying to score!"

"Mr. Black, you're lucky I can't still take points from Gryffindor! I have _never_-"

"And really, Professor D," Sirius said confidentially, taking Dumbledore aside, "You can get better than Professor McGonagall, you know. I mean, Madame Pince can be pretty hot behind the evil sneer-"

"I assure you, Sirius," Dumbledore said with a chuckle, looking completely unaffected, "I won't be taking your advice into consideration."

Sirius shrugged. "Whatever. Your loss, man."

"Mr. Black, can I please ask why you're here?" Professor McGonagall asked sternly. "And who are these two with you?"

"Oh yeah," Sirius said sarcastically, "We came here for another reason beyond watching oldies snog. Thanks for reminding me. Anyway, these are Lily's parents. We're looking for Lil and James...they've disappeared. Have you seen them around here?"

Professor Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Black, but I haven't seen either since graduation."

"Okay, thanks," Sirius said, then grabbed Lily's parents and practically dragged them from the main hallway. 

"Great," he muttered under his breath. "This whole trip was a waste, _and _I got scarred for life. Yippie."

With an exasperated sigh, he swung open one of the doors once more only to recoil in horror. Severus Snape stood there, looking like quite the signature greasy bat.

"WHAT are you doing here, Snape?" Sirius asked. "I've already been scarred for life enough for one day!"

"I'm applying for a job as the potions professor," Snape responded coolly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Black."

And with that, he brushed past Sirius and into the school.

"Aaah!" Sirius cried in horror. "He brushed against me! He. Brushed. Against. Me."

At a speed so fast you'd think his life was at stake, Sirius ran from the school, leaving two very confused Evanses trailing behind him.

"I can't believe we sent Lily there for seven whole years," Mrs. Evans exclaimed.

"I know," Mr. Evans responded, staring back at the school with a shudder. "It makes Sirius seem almost normal, doesn't it?"

A/N 2: Let's just say Snapey was there applying for a job to spy on the good side for Voldie, kays? Good. I'm sorry again...I know that sucked majorly.


	15. Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Meet the Parents

A/N: I'm sooooooo sorry for not writing for so long. *cowers* Can you ever forgive me? My muses abruptly left me. Cruel things, they are.

Dedication: To the Mystery Flavored Skittles, for giving me the inspiration to write this. *nods* Don't ask why. I'm just odd like that.

Chapter 15: Ain't No Mountain High Enough

~*~

Summer after fifth year

~*~

"So," Mrs. Evans asked slyly, wriggling her eyebrows at her daughter, "How are things with..._James_?"

Lily's cheeks flushed crimson, practically deepening to the shade of her fiery hair, and studied her sparkly fingernails while responding, "Fine."

"You're not going to be planning any weddings any time soon, are you?" Lily's mother teased.

"Don't worry," Lily responded with a wry smile. "Though Sirius has already started planning it...he's convinced we're destined for each other."

"Well, don't take this Sirius seriously-no pun intended-because then your daddy might have to hunt James down and hurt him."

Lily giggled. "Mum, I doubt Daddy could do James the slightest bit of harm."

"You never know," Mrs. Evans said, eyes sparkling. "Just stay away from the marriage thing, or your boyfriend's life may be in danger, and I'll have to talk you out of rushing into it."

"You have no need to worry, Mum," Lily said, smiling. "I doubt we'll be rushing into anything."

__

~*~

Present setting

~*~

Lily had never intended on rushing into marriage. When James had proposed, she'd been sure they'd stay engaged until both were successful and at least twenty years old.

Mrs. Potter, it seemed, had other ideas.

When the two came down for breakfast one morning, Mrs. Potter announced cheerfully, "The wedding's set to be here next Thursday. It'll be a small affair, naturally-only five hundred or so of our closest friends. The bridesmaid dresses are being made right now; by the way, Lily, Vanessa and Crystal will be your bridesmaids...I knew they were your closest friends, so I saved you the trouble of asking them. That darling daughter of the Warbecks-Celestina was her name, wasn't it?-will be singing. I've ordered Remus, Sirius, and Peter all matching dress robes for the occasion, and the event _should_ be announced in the Daily Prophet today."

As soon as she said this (and all without taking a breath, quite impressively), an owl flew in and dropped a copy of the paper at her feet. Mrs. Potter picked it up and studied it for a moment before exclaiming in joy, "Yes! There it is!"

Wearing identical expressions of pure shock, Lily and James numbly glanced over her shoulder to confirm everything she'd just said. Sure enough, their wedding announcement was there in black and white.

"Er...Mum," James said uneasily.

"Yes, darling?"

"We were actually...er...planning not to rush into things."

"What are you saying?" asked Mrs. Potter immediately, her gaze falling intensely on her son.

"Um...we just sort of wanted to...wait a while."

"Ah, well, don't worry!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed cheerily. "Married life will be fine."

"Um...okay," said James wearily. "But Mum, do we even _know_ five hundred people??"

"Of course," Mrs. Potter said brightly. "The Warbecks will be coming, along with the Snapes and the Lockharts-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," James held up one hand. "Severus Snape is not coming to my wedding."

"Why ever not, dear?" asked James's mother in surprise. "I find him to be a very...nice boy."

"Yeah, if you like the greasy, overgrown bat type!" James snapped back. "There is no way, I repeat, _no way_ he is coming."

"Well, it's too late," Mrs. Potter announced crisply. "The invitations have already been sent."

"What??!!" groaned James.

"Dear, you'll just have to deal with it. Besides, surely some of your friends will be there! Like that delightful Gilderoy, he's so very charming-"

"Mum, stop or I'll be sick," James commanded.

"You're much too judgmental, James!" accused Mrs. Potter before turning to Lily. "Aren't Severus and Gilderoy perfectly nice young gentlemen?"

"Severus is all right," Lily responded truthfully, ignoring James as he pretended to gag. "And Gilderoy is...very...er...luscious."

Mrs. Potter studied her in confusion for a moment before saying, "Well, all right then, dear. I'd better be off; I was supposed to meet almost a quarter of an hour ago with Marguerite Delacour...very talented French designer, but a bit ill-tempered. She won't be pleased that I'm late, so I'll see you two later."

And with that, Mrs. Potter disappeared with a _pop_.

Very slowly, James turned to her, face fixed in an expression of utmost disgust.

"_Luscious_??" he asked, spitting the word out as though it pained him to say it.

"It was the first thing that came to mind!" Lily responded defensively. 

"So, when you hear 'Gilderoy' you automatically think _luscious_??!!" James exclaimed in horror, studying her as though she had suddenly morphed into a lingerie-clad Severus Snape.

"His....he....I...ACK!"

"How come Gilderoy's luscious and I'm not?" James pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Lily shrugged with a teasing smile. "Your locks just aren't luscious like his."

"He has dolly hair."

"Please!" Lily struggled to maintain a straight face. "He's very rugged and manly."

"He's probably scared of pixies."

"Ohhh, as if you're some big tough guy."

"Are you saying that I'm NOT??" James asked in shock.

"Please!" Lily laughed. "You're scrawny. I probably weigh more than you do."

"You're so defiant," James proclaimed. "And now I'm going to be stuck with you for the rest of my life."

"Like you could do better!" Lily retorted.

"Of course I could," James exclaimed. "You remember the good old days at Hogwarts when all the girls were fighting over me and I had to beat 'em off with sticks?"

"No, that seems to have escaped my memory," Lily responded, a smile playing around the corners of her lips.

"Well, don't you go thinking it didn't happen, 'cause it did!" said James haughtily. "You were just too blinded by your love for me to notice."

"As a matter of fact, I could see perfectly clearly!" Lily said. "And the only girl I can remember liking you besides me was that awful old Slytherin Rita Skeeter who was only still at Hogwarts because she'd had to redo sixth year twice."

"See? The older women love me!"

Lily wrinkled her nose. "Well, I suppose....if you could call her a woman."

"_Men_ don't wear huge magenta fake fingernails!"

A sly smile danced across Lily's face. "I wouldn't talk."

"Shut _up_," James commanded crossly. "That was a _curse_...it wasn't by choice."

"Oh, yeah right," Lily teased. "I bet you were _begging_ Sirius to curse your nails pink."

"You know, you're making it sound as though you _want_ a future husband who enjoys having magenta fingernails," James said, "And in that case, I'd advise that you leave me for dear ol' Gildy."

"Oooh, very clever."

"Could you expect anything else from me?" James struck a thoughtful pose, slowly fingering an imaginary goatee. 

Lily rolled her eyes. 

"No comment."

~*~

"For the love of God," groaned Mr. Evans as he sank down into one of the Leaky Cauldron's tables for breakfast, "Can we just go home??"

"No," Mrs. Evans immediately snapped back.

"But we're never going to find them!" Mr. Evans moaned.

A frighteningly perky Sirius proclaimed, "Not with that attitude, we're not! But you've got to be optimistic, buddy! Sure, they could be chilling with the brown bears in Alaska by now, but you've got to look on the bright side!"

"Which is...?" Mr. Evans asked dryly.

"You're on a whirlwind adventure with your beautiful wife and _me_, of course!"

"Yay," deadpanned Mr. Evans.

"And no matter what," Sirius continued, "I'll be there for you, Pops."

"Pops?!" Mr. Evans exclaimed.

However, before he could rant any further, a snap from Sirius's fingers caused background music to begin blasting from the napkin dispenser.

"What the-?"

"Listen baby!" Sirius belted out soulfully, earning more than a few puzzled glances from innocent bystanders trying to enjoy their breakfast in peace.

"Oh, God, no," Mr. Evans groaned in despondency.

"Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough, baby!" he continued, warbling horribly off-key and paying no mind whatsoever to the fact that their breakfast dishes were beginning to tremble on the table.

"If you need me, call me!" Sirius proclaimed, making dramatic gestures with his hands. "No matter where you are, no matter how far! Don't worry baby!"

An elderly man who had been watching in terror collapsed onto the floor in a dead faint, and the majority of the customers were rubbing their ears as they watched, wide-eyed, in horrified silence.

"Just call my name and I'll be there in a hurry!" he promised, winking at a little girl who quickly burst into hysterical sobs. Instead of comforting her, however, her mother burst into a fit of tears as well, and the two clung to each other, silently praying to make it out of this life-threatening experience in one piece. 

"You don't have to worry!" he continued, climbing up onto the table and wiggling his hips in time to the music blasting from the napkin dispenser. "'Cause you know that..."

He paused dramatically before grabbing Mrs. Evans's hand and pulling her up onto the table with him. A piece of squished toast flew at Mr. Evans, followed with reckless abandon by eggs and a half-eaten chunk of sausage. He managed to escape all three before unfortunately being doused with orange juice.

"There ain't no mountain high enough!" Sirius squealed. Mrs. Evans was smiling gingerly and fingering her ears. "Ain't no valley low enough!"

A teenage girl let out a horrified shriek before running for dear life, but no one seemed to notice due to the fact that it sounded exactly like Sirius's singing. However, when the whole crowd saw her running at top speed they quickly followed suit.

"Ain't no riiiiver wide enough!" Sirius waved his hand passionately, eyes closed and mouth hanging open, "To keep me from getting to youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!"

At the last eardrum-breaking note, the collection of glasses placed at the bar shattered, causing different beverages to soak the room. Sirius, however, paid no notice as he bowed gallantly.

"Thank you," he said graciously, "Thank you, I'll be here for as long as you'd like! Thank you-"

"Sirius, Sirius," Mrs. Evans said gently, her voice much louder than it would have been if her ears were able to function normally, "No one's here anymore."

He looked up immediately. "Oh. Okay, then."

He then proceeded to climb down from the table, only to cause Mr. Evans, who had been rolling around on the ground writhing in pain, to let out a scream.

"Sorry there," Sirius said easily, then stared in awe around the empty room. 

"It's amazing," he announced sincerely, "how true talent can scare people off these days, isn't it??"


	16. All Hell Breaks Loose...Again.

A/N: As Twixxa and Crys suggested, I am blaming it on the Vanilla Coke.

Disclaimer: 'You Sexy Thing' is not mine, nor do I want it to be. The Olive Eyes belong to Twixxa, but don't let 'er use 'em on you or you may not live to tell the tale.

Chapter 16: All Hell Breaks Loose (Again)

Now, my dear readers, by this time, you have most likely all concluded that James and Lily are at the Potters' mansion, which isn't all that hard to figure out, seeing as I, the author, said they were there. And besides that, well, it _is_ James's house.

You'd think that they'd be there, right?

Well, this little thought seemed to escape the mind of Sirius Black.

"I'm so sorry I've failed you, Mrs. Evans!" he sobbed miserably as they stepped into the Evans residence, Mr. Evans looking as though he were moments away from his death.

"It's all right, Sirius dear," Mrs. Evans responded, patting him lightly on the shoulder. "We aren't blaming it on you-"

A loud fit of hacking coughs from Mr. Evans interrupted his wife.

Glaring menacingly at him, she continued, "You did try your best."

At this, Frank fell to the floor in an attack of convulsive coughing, hacking and gacking like a consumptive courtesan.

"Frank, you're not another Camille," Mrs. Evans reminded him dryly before consulting her watch. "Ugh, three in the morning...I'm going to go upstairs, get changed, and go to bed."

"Oh, me too-"

"Couch, Frank!" barked Mrs. Evans immediately. 

"Yes, ma'am," Mr. Evans quickly agreed with a visible wince. "I-"

However, he fell silent as the stairs creaked audibly. All three froze and listened to the (apparently rather large) intruder make their way down the stairs.

"There's no way that's Petunia," muttered Mr. Evans.

"Unless she's gained a lot of weight since we left," Sirius added. "You know, emotional stress."

The unidentified blob of lard continued down the stairs and across the living room, and the three waited in breathless anticipation to see who it could be.

"I'll curse 'em!" Sirius was muttering wildly. "Oh, I'll curse 'em good! I'll-"

"Shut up," Mr. Evans ordered, then immediately howled in pain as Mrs. Evans slammed her three-inch high heel onto his foot. 

He fell silent once more, however, as the sound of singing that was almost as wretched as Sirius's filled the air.

"I believe in miracles!" the voice proclaimed. "Where you from? You sexy thing! Oh, sexy thing you!"

"Okay, apparently our intruder is extremely horny," Sirius reported in a low, suave tone. 

"Yesterday," continued the _horny_ unidentified blob of lard, "I was one of them lonely people! And now you're lying next to me, giving it to me!"

This was too much for all three of them.

"Show yourself! I'm armed!" Mr. Evans shouted in his voice he usually put aside to use only for his daughters' boyfriends. 

"With _what_, Frank?" Mrs. Evans hissed. 

"Give me your shoe," Mr. Evans ordered.

"What?!"

"Those things can be lethal."

Rolling her eyes, Mrs. Evans removed one of her heels and handed it to Frank, who held it as though it were a gun rather than half of a pair of on-sale shoes that she'd gotten 30% off.

Inching slowly towards the now-silent intruder, Mr. Evans flung on the living room lights only to reveal...

....

Are you sure you _really_ wanna know?

....

_Really_ sure?? 

Because I wouldn't want to know if I were you.

....

This is worse than Dumbledore and McGonagall, you know.

....

Much worse.

....

Fine...if you're sure. You asked for it.

....

Don't say I didn't warn you.

....

Inching slowly towards the now-silent intruder, Mr. Evans flung on the living room lights only to reveal....

**Vernon Dursley!** (See, I _told_ you.)

And well, my dears, if you thought that was bad enough, he happened to be clad in nothing but a pair of leopard-print briefs.

Ugh.

"Vernon!" Mr. Evans immediately boomed a la Monster Dad. "What the _hell_ are you doing here?!?! And where are your _clothes_?!"

"Er..." Vernon cleared his throat. "Um, well, you see, I-"

"_Don't_ try to hide it," Sirius immediately cut in, glaring daggers at Vernon. "We all heard you and your little song!"

"I...er...I honestly don't know what you mean-"

"Oh really?" Sirius asked quizzically, raising an eyebrow. "Well, let me refresh your memory!"

He snapped his fingers, and immediately the background music for everyone's former favorite song that has now been plagued eternally by Vernon began to pulsate through the room.

Sirius shook his hips over-exaggeratedly to the beat, chanting, "So sexy! So sexy!"

Mr. and Mrs. Evans had but their hands firmly over their ears, aware of what was to come. Vernon, however, just stared in horror at Sirius.

"I believe in miracles!" Sirius announced with a roguish wink. "Where you from? You sexy thing! Oh, you sexy thing you-"

"STOP!" Mrs. Evans shouted. Immediately the music fell to a wavering halt. 

Mr. Evans removed his hands from his ears, eyes flashing a terrifying shade of olive. He gave off the air of someone who had been possessed. 

"How dare you lay a hand on my daughter!" he shouted, nostrils flaring, before charging at Vernon. However, the impact of the charge didn't go as successfully as he may have wished, seeing as he just bounced off of the many layers of flab and collapsed onto the couch.

But if at first you don't succeed, try try again!

"Go Frank-o!" cheered Sirius, bouncing up and down and waving his arms. "Hit 'im with a chair!" 

Frank, however, didn't take the time to stop and consider the suggestion. Instead, he flung himself at Vernon again and actually succeeded in causing him to move roughly a centimeter away from the spot he'd been standing a moment ago.

One who has a grand gift for exaggeration may have called it a push.

Emphasizing the _may have_.

Mrs. Evans opened her mouth to cheer for her husband (more because he was losing pathetically and needed the encouragement rather than anything else), but then realized that she had bound him to an eternity of sleeping on the couch and instead let Sirius do all the cheering.

"Frank-o, Frank-o, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!"

"You stay _away from **MY DAUGHTER!!!!**_" Mr. Evans screamed, pounding with reckless abandon on Vernon's chest.

"Wait a second," Sirius said. The whole scene seemed to pause. "Frank-o, do you really _care_ if your daughter gets knocked up? I mean, she's a snotty bitch. And then they'll get married and he'll sell his drills or whatever, and who knows? Maybe James and Lil will get themselves blown up or something and Petunia will have to spend the rest of her life raising their child (let's call 'im Harry) who will amount to great things while their other kid....Dudley, let's call him Dudley, will sit around and get fatter and fatter until he can't fit outside the door."

They all stared blankly at him for a moment, Vernon rather insulted because he'd always _liked_ the name Dudley.

However, after a five-second long pause, Mr. Evans just grunted and continued without success to try to beat up Vernon.

"Bash 'im with a chair! Bash 'im with a chair!" chanted Sirius.

This time, Mr. Evans actually processed the advice in his head, and, with a devilish cackle and frighteningly olive eyes, he lifted the rocking chair in the corner and was about to bring it down upon Vernon's rather thick skull when-

"Aaaah!"

The whole scene froze again, and they all stared up to see Petunia clad in black and extremely lacy (not to mention revealing) lingerie.

"You know," said Sirius thoughtfully, "I might have enjoyed that outfit had it not been worn by the Two Legged Horse."

Petunia gasped in horror at that oh-so-hurtful insult, but the comments were not yet over.

"Petunia!" Mrs. Evans shrieked. "What are you _wearing_?! Never have I seen something more revealing, more lewd-"

"You look like a whore," Sirius threw in.

"Shut up, Sirius!" Mrs. Evans scolded. "Now, Petunia, this is just a disgrace to our _family_! Never before has an Evans woman worn something so inappropriate, so raunchy, so-"

"I've seen that before," Mr. Evans interrupted.

"Daddy, please don't tell me you've been going through Mum's Victoria's Secret catalogs again," groaned Petunia.

"Er, no," Mrs. Evans said sheepishly, studying the ground. "That's mine." 

Everyone's eyes fell upon her, but Mrs. Evans continued in her no-nonsense tone.

"But Petunia, you shouldn't go around digging in other peoples' drawers," she lectured. "Now, if you knew what your father and I had done while I was wearing that, I'm _sure_ you would have rethought your decision to wear it."

Both Petunia and Sirius's mouths dropped open in pure disgust, and they looked as though they were going to lose consciousness at any moment. 

"Okay," Mrs. Evans said sternly. "This has gone far enough. Vernon; for the love of God and all things sacred, get dressed and _leave_. Sirius, you can sleep in the guest room where James stayed. Frank; couch. Petunia; you can keep the lingerie, I have a feeling that I don't want to wear it anymore. Now everyone, get to bed."

And within five minutes, everyone was settled in bed (with the exception of Vernon, who was thankfully gone) without a care in the world, with no idea that Lily and James would be Mr. and Mrs. Potter in eight short hours...

__


	17. The End of the Beginning

****

Chapter Seventeen: The End of the Beginning

****

Author's Note: A million zillion thanks to my darling friend Cryssie, who helped me sooo much with everything Gilderoy-esque in this chapter, as she is a Gildy Goddess. Need proof? Go here: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=575280

Ahh, well, this is the end. It shall be all over. Tragic, tragic. Oh well. C'est la vie.

****

Disclaimer: All By Myself ain't mine. I don't want it.

~*~

Remus Lupin was nervous.

Well, perhaps 'nervous' wasn't an adequate description. More like terrified out of his mind.

Sirius had disappeared without a trace at least a week before, and even Mr. and Mrs. Black had no idea where he could be. This left James without a best man, and the day was going so crazily that it didn't really make the situation better. And now, just to make things all the more spectacularly jolly, he was stuck in a room with the devil himself.

Well, not exactly. Perhaps what the devil would be like if he had really, _really_ perfect hair and an obsession with mirrors.

"Eh eh ehm," Gilderoy Lockhart cleared his throat in a frighteningly charming manner. When he caught Remus studying him with utmost horror, he winked in response. 

"Do you realize they intended on having that... Celestina Warbeck sing at the wedding?" Gilderoy demanded in disgust, taking Remus by surprise.

"Er, yes," replied Remus, eyeing the door as he passionately longed to escape the torture chamber disguised as the Potters' living room.

"Luckily, she came down with the flu," Gilderoy continued with a wave of one hand that, Remus noticed a bit fearfully, was perfectly manicured. "Now, let me tell you, Robert, that Warbeck girl is never going to succeed in life. She won't amount to anything; mark my words!"

"Er, I'll do that," Remus said awkwardly. "So, I suppose we're without a singer."

"But what you don't realize is that I _sing_," declared Lockhart dramatically. He was apparently looking for more than an 'uh-huh' from his reluctant listener, but alas, that was all he could get.

"Uhhhh-huh."

"Yes, yes, hold your applause," Gilderoy chuckled as though he'd made a dazzlingly clever joke. Er, not that he hadn't.

"You know, I'll try really hard," Remus responded dryly.

Gilderoy stroked his chin thoughtfully before replying, "You know, Roger, I think you need to hear my beautiful singing voice to truly understand what I am telling you."

"Remus," the werewolf corrected.

"Who's he?" 

"Never _mind_," Remus groaned. "So, what are you singing?"

A broad, sparkling grin that would in years forward win many a Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award stretched across Gilderoy's flawless face as he responded. "There won't be a dry seat in the house, I'll guarantee you that one, Ronnie!"

"Er...."

"But I won't waste time telling you what I'm going to sing!" Gilderoy proclaimed. "Oh, no no no. I'll _show_ you."

"Yay," groaned Remus miserably.

Gilderoy snapped his fingers, and the grand piano in the corner immediately began producing sounds as though a cat was running across it, or a five year old was banging on it.

"Technical difficulties," he said smoothly, snapping again. This time, it grew a bit more tolerable.

Lockhart clasped his hands to his heart and stared longingly upward with bright blue eyes. In the voice of a severely tortured soul, he dramatically proclaimed, "When I was young, I never needed anyone!"

_Oh dear God._

"And making love was just for fun," he continued, then cast his miserable gaze downward and whispered, "Those days are...gone."

"You know," Remus cut in, not wanting to subject himself to another millisecond of such torture, "That's really great-"

"Shhh!" Gilderoy snapped irritably. "I'm not finished yet!" 

After this reprimand, he began waving his hands madly as though signaling to someone across a football field. 

"All by MYSELF!" he cried in a tone of utmost angst-ridden misery, sounding like a cross between a dying cat and John Travolta in Grease. "Don't wanna be...ALL BY MYSEEEEEEELF anymore!"

"Yeah, that's really...moving-"

"Hard to be sure," Gilderoy continued, wiping an invisible tear from his cheek, "Sometimes I feel so...insecure. And love's so distant and obscure...remains the cure."

_Dear God,_ Remus prayed desperately, falling to his knees and clasping his hands together, _Please, please, _please_ have mercy on my soul! No one deserves this kind of torture! NO ONE!!!_

"All by myseeeeeeelf!" Gilderoy wailed. "Don't wanna be all by myyyyself anyMOOOOORE!"

With a miserable wail, Remus sunk down into a little ball on the floor and forced himself to embrace the fact that escape was nothing more than an impossible dream.

A few moments later, the song came to a dramatic finish (complete with Gilderoy throwing himself onto the floor and belting out the last note until he turned blue in the face, while still remaining devilishly good-looking), and everything seemed right in the world again. Breathing shakily, Remus slowly looked up in an attempt to convince himself that it was finally over. As soon as he saw that Gilderoy had resumed studying his reflection in the mirror, a happiness engulfed our howlin' honey like one nobody had ever experienced before.

"I'm alive," he muttered to himself in joyful disbelief. "I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive-"

"I know you're just _dying_ to have me sing again," Gilderoy interrupted with a roguish wink. "Don't worry. I've still got to sing it a few more times. What is it that those not gifted-from-birth-and-excellent-at-everything-they-attempt people say?"

Lockhart struck an extremely thoughtful pose for a moment, stroking his chin in a very intelligent manner, before snapping his fingers triumphantly and declaring with a toothy grin, "Practice makes perfect! Yes! That's it!"

"No," Remus cried miserably, the rush of pain and suffering that had ceased moments before flooding back to him. "No, please, I'm...er...not worthy-"

"Oh, my boy!" Gilderoy cried with a hearty chuckle. "I _know_ that! What do you think I am, a fool? But I'm almost overly generous by nature, and I feel that I just _have_ to do this for you. After all, imagine, just hearing me sing once and then never again?! Lord, if I were you, I'd be close to tears!"

"Believe me, I am," Remus responded despondently.

Clearing his throat in an extremely dashing manner, Gilderoy struck a dramatic pose once more. 

"When I was young, I never needed...anyone..."

~*~

"ALL BY MYSELF!" Sirius shrieked the next morning as he bounced up and down on the bed in the guest room. He'd been doing so for the past hour while listening to the radio, the springs squeaking audibly all the while, and it could be assumed that Petunia wasn't exactly thrilled.

"Shut up, you stupid prat!" she screamed up the stairs. 

"Now, Petunia," scolded Mrs. Evans, "Leave the boy alone-"

"NO!" Petunia cried. "He's driving me _insane_! I'm fed up with him! He's awful! Terrible! Like a character out of a bad humor film gone horribly, horribly wrong! He embarrasses me in front of Vernon and sings bad Olivia Newton John songs and eats est cargot while sipping Dr. PEPPER, for crying out loud! I'm about ready to leave and go stay with Lily at her stupid boyfriend's house!"

"Petunia," Mrs. Evans started to chide immediately, then stopped short. "Her stupid boyfriend's house?"

"Yes!" Petunia snapped. "Yes, she's at James's! I threw the note away! Big. Deal. Just go find them! NOW! Get _it_ out of my house!!!"

Mrs. Evans looked livid, but there was no word in the English language (or any language...except perhaps Gibberish) to even begin to describe Mr. Evans's anger.

"YOU!" he roared, raising from the chair where he sat and slowly advancing toward his oldest daughter. 

"Er...Daddy?" she said weakly.

"It is because of you," he said in a deadly whisper, "That I have been _suffering_ for the past week, being led around that crazy wizarding world with a madman!"

"Frank," Mrs. Evans started tentatively.

"Petunia, you have caused me so much PAIN!" screamed Mr. Evans. "And then I _finally_ come home and am forced to have a demented wrestling match with your tub-of-lard boyfriend!"

"He's _big-boned_," Petunia said defensively.

"And I'm the queen of England," Mr. Evans snarled. "Young lady, you're never going to be able to make up for this one! _EVER!_"

"Frank, dear," Mrs. Evans nervously placed her hand on her husband's arm. "Just calm down...the important thing is that we can find Lily and James-"

But when Frank Evans got angry, he got _an-gry_, and he was definitely angry.

"You're grounded! FOREVER!"

"Forever?" Petunia scoffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Honestly, Daddy, you're overreacting. You-"

"**ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME??**"

"No," Petunia squeaked.

"Frank, you can come up with cruel and unusual punishments later," Mrs. Evans said impatiently. "Now, Sirius, what's the quickest way to the Potter's house?"

A wide grin spread across Sirius's face. 

"Well, my dear Mrs. Evans," he said suavely, "The quickest way comes in the form of a little thing I like to call floo powder."

~*~

Lily Evans had never thought herself as beautiful as she did after inspecting her reflection in the mirror. Her hair fell in fiery curls past her shoulders, framed by an intricately sewn veil made of lace. Mrs. Potter's dress now covered her slim form, sparkling as though coated by a sheen of liquid diamonds. 

She was very much alone, standing in the guest room. She'd always pictured herself preparing for her wedding day with her mother and sister by her side, Mrs. Evans blabbering on excitedly while Petunia whined about how she'd rather be anywhere but there. It was quite depressing, to know that her own beloved family wouldn't witness her wedding.

_I always thought Daddy would walk me down the aisle,_ she thought wistfully, absently fingering the fabric of her dress. 

Oh well. She'd see them again soon enough.

....

But she wouldn't be Lily Evans any longer when she did.

Nope, she'd be Lily Potter by then.

For a day that was supposed to be the happiest of her life, this one definitely sucked. Tears were springing into brilliant green eyes, and she was determined not to let them fall. She'd spent practically thirty minutes applying her mascara and eyeliner, and she wasn't about to let some little emotional breakdown ruin it.

A soft knock on the door sounded, and she stifled a groan.

"Come in."

Little did she know, she would regret those two words more than anything she'd ever said in her entire life...

~*~

"I can't believe Sirius isn't going to be here," James said, shaking his head as he straightened his bow tie. "He's been planning our wedding since first year."

"He'll show up," Peter said, sounding completely unsure. "Er...won't he, Remus?"

"What?" Remus asked from where he sat in the corner, looking completely disturbed for some unknown reason. "Oh...yeah. Uh huh."

James rolled his eyes. Everyone was acting strangely today.

"It just seems kind of weird," he continued, nervously running a hand through his hair and causing it to appear even more messy. "We've always been best friends, and now I'm kind of...all by myself."

"Eeek!" Remus squeaked as though James had just uttered the Killing Curse.

"What?" James asked, wondering briefly just when his friend had gone insane.

"P...please don't say...that...phrase," Remus whispered, eyes wide with fright.

"What phrase?" 

"I think he means 'all by myself'," Peter piped up helpfully.

"Aaah!" Remus cried in agony, covering his ears with his hands. "Don't say it!"

"Don't say what? All by myself?" Peter asked, completely clueless.

"YES! YES! Don't. Say. It."

"What's wrong with 'all by myself'?"

Remus shuddered in fear before proclaiming in a deadly whisper, "Picture yourself trapped in a room with Gilderoy Lockhart. Picture said Gilderoy Lockhart singing All By Myself. Do the math."

"Ugh," James said sympathetically. "You poor, unfortunate soul."

"I don't think I'll ever be the same again," moaned Remus. "And the worst thing is, he's singing at your wedding."

"What?!" James asked, panicked. "What about Celestina Warbeck?"

"Sick," Remus responded glumly. "Say, James...you'll understand if I don't attend, won't you? Because I just can't...take it anymore..."

~*~

"Well, well, well," Gilderoy Lockhart chuckled, smoothing down hair so gold it practically glowed. "I hope I'm not too late for a little bachelorette party, Miss Bride To Be."

_Oh. My. God._

"Er...Gilderoy," Lily said nervously, backing towards the wall. "What are you doing here?"

He wriggled his eyebrows mischievously.

"As if you don't know."

Death suddenly seemed a very blissful option.

"I'm...er...afraid I don't," Lily said. "Now, can you leave please? Er...you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding."

"That's the groom," Gilderoy reminded her suavely, then added with a roguish wink (he ought to have owned the phrase 'roguish wink'), "Though I'm sure you'd like a certain magical me to be the groom more than that...Potter fellow."

_I wouldn't be so sure, bud._

Gilderoy took a few slow steps towards her, his grin growing rapidly until every single tooth was exposed, glowing like the skin of a crazed albino. 

"Not everyone can smile and show every single tooth," Lily stated nervously, attempting to distract him from...whatever he was attempting to do by baring his pearly whites. "That's quite the accomplishment."

"I have many..._accomplishments_," he said with yet another roguish wink. (There's that phrase again.)

"That's something to be proud of," Lily said, taking a few steps backward. 

Gilderoy moved forward, obviously not getting the message.

Lily allowed herself to collapse onto the bed, scooting backwards desperately. 

"I know you've wanted me since you first set eyes upon me," Gilderoy began dramatically. 

_Why!? Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?_

"And really," he continued, blue eyes sparkling deviously, "I can't blame you. It does get old, to have women lusting over you left and right-"

_Please, God, save my tortured soul._

"-But you, I must admit, aren't too shabby."

"Gee, thanks," Lily drawled.

He wriggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner that would frighten even his own reflection away.

"So," he suggested slyly, "How about we split from this..._wedding-_" he wrinkled his nose, "-and go back to my place for some _real _fun??"

Dear Lord. 

Lily shuddered, feeling more revolted than she ever had before in her entire life. (And that, mind you, was saying something, as she'd known Sirius for eight _loooong_ years.)

Gilderoy continued, voice low and husky as he drew each word out. "We can look at my photos for as long as you like. And, if you're lucky enough, you might even get to keep one of the more stunning pictures!"

Lily didn't know whether to be relieved or horrified. 

"Um...pictures," she said. "Great. Fab. Absolutely spiffy."

_Spiffy??_ she asked herself silently. _Lil, you've completely lost it._

She took a quick glance up at the clock. "But you know, Celestina Warbeck's singing in five minutes, and-"

"Bah!" spat Gilderoy, looking positively revolted. "Celestina Warbeck is sick...completely suddenly and accidentally, of course," he added coyly, chuckling in a manner that Lily found quite frightening. "And, what do you know, they've asked me to sing in her place!"

"How...wonderful," Lily said faintly, deciding that the only singer that could ruin the mood of a wedding more than Marilyn Manson was Gilderoy.

"I'd best be going," he said, giving her yet another roguish wink. "Give me a call after the honeymoon."

"Well," said Lily delicately, "As much as I'd love to, James and I will be legally wed then, and I couldn't be unfaithful to him. So, much as I want to, I must do the right thing..."

Gilderoy let out a heavy sigh. "I understand, and believe it or not, Lily, I really do respect you for it."

_Oh yes,_ Lily thought dryly, _My life is finally complete, for your respect is something I've pined for all my nineteen years._

"I know many a woman who has left her husband forgotten, ignoring the bonds of matrimony to satisfy their sinful lust."

"Er...that's..."

Blech.

Aw, hell, why not just play along?

"Leave!" Lily commanded dramatically, voice breathy. "Leave now! I can't bear to look at you a second longer before being lost to my own desires!"

Gilderoy sent her a last lovely roguish wink before disappearing out of the room.

"Thank God," Lily muttered to herself.

_That_ had certainly been a close one.

~*~

The Potters' huge living room was growing more and more heavily crowded with people, all eager to see the young couple wed in fifteen short minutes....

~*~

Gilderoy stood in front of the seated crowd of wedding guests, his purely _naturally_ stunning (just lots of teeth brushing, no whitening spells involved. Honest.) smile lighting up his perfect face. They all stared expectantly up at him, obviously basking in the glory of his delicious self. 

_It's a pity that the bride can't be here to witness this,_ he thought to himself, _But it's probably for the best. At the sound of my lovely voice, she certainly wouldn't be able to resist my charms any longer._

"What is _that_?" a gruff-looking middle aged man in the front row muttered to his wife. "Some sort of living Ken doll?"

Gilderoy didn't know what a kendol was, but it was something very grand, spectacular, and all-around perfect, no doubt! Otherwise, why would anyone be comparing him to such a thing?

He cleared his throat in a most charming manner before winking (roguishly, in case you wanted to know) to signal that he was ready to begin. Mrs. Potter, who was serving as the pianist, began to play the opening chords to his song.

_I'll have 'em all in tears_, he thought triumphantly. _After all, my voice can tug at peoples' heart-strings like nothing else!_

(Actually, it could damage peoples' ear drums like nothing else, but our beloved Gilderoy was not aware of this information.)

"When I was young," he began dramatically, "I never needed anyone...and-"

**BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!**

Gilderoy's first thought was that everyone had spontaneously combusted in unison due to the fact that his voice was so beautiful that it just couldn't be handled by their unworthy mortal ears.

But no, this was not it!

Instead, that troublesome Sirius and the Evans girl's parents and sister tumbled out of the fireplace, all heavily coated in black soot.

_Ew_, Gilderoy thought to himself, wrinkling up his nose. _How filthy. And how _dare_ they barge in here and RUIN MY SONG???_

Yes, they'd stolen all the attention!!! Everyone's eyes were on _them_ instead of HIM, the wonderful, luscious, revolutionary Gilderoy Lockhart! Were they _mad_??!!

"I hope we're not too late," Mrs. Evans said in a perfectly professional tone, straightening her hair.

"We're making a scene," growled Mr. Evans.

"This sucks," Petunia proclaimed.

Sirius, however, was a bit more enthusiastic.

"Is that my song?!?!" he asked, his eyes falling upon Gilderoy.

Mmmm, attention. Even if it _was_ from _him_, it was better than nothing.

Sirius ran over to Gilderoy and as the piano music resumed, began to sing.

"And making love was just for fun!"

Gilderoy gasped in horror. _What_ was this hoodlum doing?? This was his song, his moment of glory!

"Those days are gone!" Gilderoy sang quickly, making sure that his beautiful angelic voice overpowered the desperate warbling of that sinister fiend.

Sirius glared at him in a 'you're on!' sort of way before screeching out at the top of his lungs, "ALLLLL BYYYY MYYYYYSEEEEELF!"

Well, he certainly wouldn't be beaten!  
"**DON'T WANNA BE ALLLLL BY MYSEEEEELF ANYMORE!**" Gilderoy shouted at the top of his lungs, still sounding positively beautiful.

The guests were all fingering at their ears in terror and clinging to each other, muttering things about making the scary noises go away.

And so it went on, Remus collapsed on the floor in a dead faint as the two battled each other out. 

By the end of the performance, there were certainly many tears, but it sure as heck hadn't been the heart strings that the...interesting duet had tugged.

~*~

There was no mistaking that sound.

It was the warbling of an incredibly pained dying cat. 

Times about a thousand.

"Sirius!" James cried, leaving the room where he stood and running out to the living room. Sure enough, his best friend stood next to Gilderoy Lockhart, pulling a face at the narcissistic self-worshipper.

"Jamesie buddy!" Sirius cried brightly. "I made it, and I'm ready to be the best man!"

With his entire body covered in soot, he looked positively ridiculous, but James just laughed and resisted the urge to fling his arms around him. 

After all, tuxedos didn't grow on trees.

~*~

"Well, this is lovely," Mr. Evans snarled to his wife. "Let's just go have a seat, shall we? Don't worry about your appearance....the Cinderella pre-ball look is very _in_ this season."

"Shut up, Frank," she hissed. "Now, you go find your daughter and apologize to her."

"Why should I?"

"Because, you _idiot_, she needs someone to walk her down the aisle!"

"Aisle?" Mr. Evans repeated blankly.

"Yes, my _darling_," she spat. "Aisle. They're about to get _married_."

"_Married_!?" Frank cried, aghast. "My baby can't get _married_! She's only twelve!"

"Try nineteen, Frank," Mrs. Evans said wryly. "Now, you go and apologize to your daughter and walk her up the aisle."

"Fine," Mr. Evans agreed, rolling his eyes. 

"And," his wife added, eyes flashing, "If you get _any_ of that filth onto her dress, you will _die_ in a cruel and unusual way."

"No offense, darling, but comments like that could really destroy a marriage."

"Puh-leeze," Mrs. Evans responded, a small smile dancing across her lips. "You don't just go around throwing away twenty-three years of marriage."

"And yet I am bound to an eternity of lonely nights on the sofa."

"I might have to rethink that," Mrs. Evans said, voice drenched in an affectionate warmth that Frank hadn't heard in what seemed like forever. "You may be promoted back up to the bedroom, if you're a nice boy."

"I love you, you know."

"I love you too."

~*~

"I'm sorry," Lily murmured under her breath to no one in particular. "You see, I can't be married today, as my family isn't here, and Sirius, who has had his heart set on being best man since _first year_, couldn't seem to make it either. And besides-"

"Lily?"

She spun around at once to see Mr. Evans, looking as though he'd just climbed out of a fireplace.

"Daddy!" she cried in pleased surprise. "I didn't think you'd make it! How did you find out? I'm soooo glad you're here, I-"

"You're supposed to be mad at me," he reminded her.

"Oh, yeah," Lily said blankly.

A silence fell across the room for a few moments before she said cheerily, "Oh, well, forget all that. James didn't seem to suffer any permanent damage."

"You know I'm sorry, love," Mr. Evans said, reaching out to put a blackened hand on his daughter's shoulder and then deciding against it. "I just didn't want my baby girl taken away from me..."

"You've still got Petunia," Lily reminded him with a devious smile. 

"Yay," deadpanned Mr. Evans. "Well, the point is, sweetie, I _am_ really sorry. James is a nice boy, and I know you two will be very happy together."

"Thank you, Daddy," Lily said earnestly. 

"But," Mr. Evans added as an afterthought, "Stay away from those friends of his, will you?"

"Oh, Dad, they're not that bad!"

"Well, the Remus one is okay," Mr. Evans said. "But Peter..."

"Peter barely speaks!" Lily reminded him laughingly.

"It's always the quiet ones," Mr. Evans said in an overly spooky voice. "And Sirius...oh, God, that kid is a demon."

"Daddy, he's just _eccentric_."

"Mmmm-hmm. I'm sure."

Lily didn't have a chance to argue any further, however, because at that moment James's aunt tiptoed in and motioned to her that it was time.

After muttering a quick incantation to replace her father's soot-covered apparel with a tuxedo, she looped her arm through his own. The beginning notes of the wedding march danced from the piano and drifted through her mind as she stepped into the room. Everyone's gaze fell upon her at once, and Lily saw tears shining in her mother's eyes. Petunia actually wasn't scowling, but staring at her sister with a sort-of smile on her face.

James stood at the front of the room next to the minister, a crooked smile on his face. His hair was an absolute mess, sticking up horribly in the back, and next to him stood Sirius, remnants of soot still smeared across his face. 

James's eyes locked with hers, and he winked at her. 

All at once, every bit of nervousness that she'd ever felt disappeared, leaving way only for blissful happiness and the knowledge that she was doing the right thing. 

~*~

There was no way that either of them could know that tragedy would strike in a few short years. They didn't know of the betrayal, the danger, the pain they would face. 

They only knew love.

And love was enough.

****

THE END

****

Author's Note 2: Whoo...it's finally done! *sighs in relief* Couldn't resist but go a bit fluffy on you there. Okay, my next chapter fic is called Imaginary Romance, which is a post-Hogwarts Harry/Ginny/Draco love triangle type thing. Fun, fun :) I'd reeeeally appreciate if you checked it out: http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=891127

Now that my shameless self-promoting is done, I've got to thank you guys. Every single review has brightened up my day, and it's amazing to think that so many people have read my work. This was pretty much silly, and not that serious, and I personally didn't think it was that great and would have stopped writing loooong ago if it hadn't been for your support. :) Thanks a million, and I hope you keep reading on Ff.N...not only my stuff, but everyone's, because everyone who pours their soul into their writing deserves lovely reviews like the ones you've given me. :)


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